Right, this blog is starting off on a serious note then I‘ll point out some cultural observations of Australia. Goymer’s going to go political and give my 2 pence on an issue that the Western world has become obsessed with since the end of World War 2: Racism. Racism is arguably the hottest of potatoes. Everyone has a strong view on it and a debate on the matter is guaranteed to spiral out of control. It can make you a worldwide hero (Martin Luther King) or it can destroy your career in a split second (Ron Atkinson). After Europe was almost devoured by the fascist empire of Nazi Germany, the Western world has gone on a crusade to destroy racism…or so we like to think anyway.
Every one of us has a racist inside. I have always had an underlying hatred for Irish people. When Westerners picture a terrorist now, they picture a brown man in a turban strapping himself with explosives. When I was growing up, a terrorist to me was a white man in green combat fatigues, a black balaclava with a thick Irish accent and planting bombs in public bins. There was a lad at my school with Catholic Irish parents, I used to give him such a hard time for being an “IRA cunt”. I’ve since apologised to him and we get on quite well now. But even after this, if I met an Irish man who on the surface it appeared we were getting along well, deep down inside we both know a few pints of beer could bring out our hatred for one another. I suppose it’s because I instantly assumed they hated me, so I hated them back.
Since coming to Australia, I have met plenty of Irish people. Away from our homelands, it seemed easier for us to talk about the history and bloodshed between our nations. It’s opened my eyes up a lot. I’ve finally been able to shake off the shackles imbedded into my young mind whilst growing up in the 90’s. Not all Irish people want us dead…just the Catholic ones. That’s a joke by the way, with racism, you have to make clear you’re joking.
Not in Australia you don’t. Aussies are constantly cracking racist jokes. We crack them in England too, but you have to look over your shoulder to make sure the subject of the joke isn’t around. One of my Aussie work mates was calling the Indian lads a bunch of “curry munchers” and even called them “Pakis”. In England that’s an instant sacking, no questions asked. In Australia, the Indian lads just called him a “Milk bottle c*nt” back. Everyone laughed and we get on with things. In that sense I like Australia. Because countries like England don’t actually get rid of racism by punishing people harshly for using these words, if anything, it makes it worse. The bigger an issue you make racism, the stronger you make it. For example:
John Smith is working at a car factory. John Smith makes a joke about Mr Khan being a terrorist. The boss over hears this and sacks John Smith. John Smith now hates the political correctness and in turn hates Asian people too.
Where as, if John Smith had not cracked this joke to Mr Khan. But waited until he was down the pub with his white friends, then no punishment is given. This is deemed okay. Political correctness only makes things worse. It’s not removing the problem at all. It’s dictating people how to think and talk and in turn is making people angry. Thus making racism worse. It happens behind closed doors, let’s just be more honest and stop trying to sweep it under the carpet.
White American comedian Doug Stanhope puts it best:
“I hate when ethnic minorities tell me I can’t understand racism because I’m white. I tell them I don’t think you can understand racism if you’re NOT white…we hear the shit they say when you leave the room!”. Ain’t that the truth.
Racism is prevalent in every society. England has it’s fair share of mongoloids. As does Australia, but Australian racism baffles me. I can understand people in England being racist, our people have a long connection with the land for thousands of years. The castles and palaces that scatter our countryside were built by our ancestors. This is our land. Whilst not excusing the racism in my home country, I can see where it comes from. I personally have no problem with immigrants racially. I do have a problem that our country is over-populated. 60 million people on such a small island is too much. But I would sooner deport all the so-called white Englishmen who do f*ck all and live on the dole, then moan that foreigners are taking their jobs than a foreigner who move to England for a better life. I’ve worked with plenty of Eastern Europeans, they’re generally decent people who work hard and save money. They’re more than welcome to my country. Just as my Grandmother was 60 years ago when she moved to England from Austria. The demographics in Europe have shifted too fast and it hasn’t worked out too well.
Australia on the other hand is built on immigration. I find it hard for an Aussie with the name David Williams to tell me that these “dirty Asians are taking over, they need to f*ck off to where they came from”. So why doesn’t David Williams f*ck off back to Wales then? Oh that’s right “I was born here, I‘m Aussie not Welsh”. So what happens when Mr and Mrs Chinaman have a child in Australia, will you accept that child as a true Aussie? Will you f*ck. I’m not speaking about all Aussies here…but it is a lot of them. If I have children in this country, then I will give them a slap for speaking ill of immigrants who want to move to Oz for a better life.
How can they complain about someone emigrating here? When that’s how their family came here not that long ago. IT MAKES NO F*CKING SENSE! Just as it makes no sense for the Aussies who complain what bastards the British Empire were. Wait a minute, you mean the same Empire that stole this land for you in the first place? Aussies like to claim all the good in their history as their own, but all the bad history as the Brits. Makes me chuckle. There was a battle in World War 1 called Gallipoli. It was a joint Commonwealth and French operation in Turkey against the Ottoman Empire. It was a complete failure. It’s big in Australian and New Zealand history because it was their first big moment on the international stage as an independent nation. A lot of Aussies are under the impression that the Brits sent the ANZAC’s (Australian New Zealand Army Corps) out into battle to get slaughtered whilst the Brits laid back and watched. I have no doubt the historically inaccurate film starring, a fresh-faced, Mel Gibson has something to do with this. They are genuinely shocked when I tell them that over 20,000 British soldiers died in that battle alongside the ANZACs. More than any of the other allied armies in that battle.
The same that some Aussies believe the ANZAC’s got captured alone by the Japanese in World War 2 because the British abandoned them. Again, they couldn’t be more wrong. They got caught alongside the British. British and ANZAC’s got tortured side-by-side in Japanese POW camps. It really pisses me off when I meet Aussies with these anti-British feelings. Our countrymen died side-by-side. Our nations connection couldn’t of been more obvious as when I went to the ANZAC day parade and all the songs being played, but one (Waltzing Matilda), were British Army songs. I knew every single song being played.
My theory is, Australia sub-consciously feels like they are in our shadow and have something to prove to us. Because they come from us, but we don’t come from them. If not genetically, then culturally. An Aussie in England is treated like a long-lost relative. But when I speak to Aussies here; I sometimes feel like some Aussies are trying to prove to me how different from the English they are. I usually end up embarrassing them and showing them how the apple really doesn‘t fall far from the tree. Example, the ol’ football discussion. Australian’s have their own football. An Aussie colleague once said to me “Yeah, but you can call it footy, cos that’s how we say it in Australia”. I then had to say that we also say it in England too. Then there was just an awkward moment where I actually felt sorry for him and almost felt like saying that we don’t really…but we do.
Same with the Aussie chant “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, OI! OI! OI!”. That comes from the Welsh mines when they would shout “Oggie, Oggie, Oggie, OI! OI! OI!”. The list is endless. Australia has an identity crisis. Because alongside all these UK traits, they have also been Americanised to f*ck. The biggest example of ‘The Great Australian Identity Crisis’. Is the chip dilemma.
In England, we call French-Fries- Chips
In America, they use the word chips for what we call- Crisps.
Australians use the word chips for proper chips. But then proceed to make tits out of themselves and call crisps chips. I ask them how the how can you tell the difference? Apparently they call crisps: ‘Potato chips’. Stop me if I’m wrong…but aren’t proper chips also made out of potatoes?! I really can’t get my head round that one.
They try too hard. We have a lot of informal words in England which we only use in conversation. Not in our newspapers. Aussies will use the word ‘mate’ in the newspaper. I even saw a shop selling baked potatoes as ‘baked spuds’. We use the word spuds too, but not to this extreme. I see what you’re trying to do here…but no. Again, trying too hard to sound cool and different from the English. When really we use those words anyway. But we don’t have to make such a point of the fact we use them that we put them in our formal life. Aussies invented the word “mateship” for “friendship”. It sounds retarded. Stop it. Please. You’re just embarrassing yourself.
So my advice to Australia is, stop being so insecure. You don’t have to try and prove to me how good your country is like a young neglected child who just wants to be loved. I love your country, no more needs to be said or proven. Stop hating on people coming here for a better life just like your ancestors did. Finally, and most importantly, stop using American words!
It’s a pavement not a sidewalk
It’s a shopping centre not a mall
It’s pronounced Project (‘O’ in pot) not Prohject
They’re crisps not chips
And by the way, we say Tomato sauce in England too. That’s not yours, stop trying to claim our words. You can keep doona (Aussie for duvet)…it’s a f*cking awful word. I’m nicking “f*cking oath” though. That phrase more than makes up for all the things I dislike about Aussie English.
P.s. I don’t mean to cause offence when I generalise in my blogs. So if the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t worry about it. Simple. I write this purely as a foreign observer in your country. I can’t write too much about England’s bad points, because I would get too angry and have a stroke whilst doing so.
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