Goymer gets a job and turns a lesbian

Things have gone from amazing to near enough perfect. I got a job today! It’s a sales job which pays pretty damn good. To make this sort of money in England, I would have to work 60+ hour weeks. A Kiwi who works for the company already, managed to get me an interview. Apparently they love employing Englishmen because we’re renown for being amazing salesmen. That’s probably down to the fact we never shut up. So fingers crossed this job goes well, I plan to save a lot of money from it. BUT, I have been informed that these people party pretty hard. Which isn’t surprising considering the money they make.

This means that Brisbane will be my home for the next couple of months. I suppose that’s okay. The city itself is nothing special, but the nightlife is amazing. I went out with two Kiwi lads for an Australian football game which was on in the pubs. Much to my surprise, the game was pretty damn good. It was no Premier League, but I didn’t have to urge to shove a syringe in my eyeballs, which is what usually happens when I watch foreign football.

The game was some final, which involved the Brisbane Roars, luckily Brisbane won and I was in Brisbane. So the city went crazy. We met with some other people who were friends of a friend. Then we decided it would be a good idea to buy a box of goon. For those that don’t know, goon is F*CKED UP. Some of you may remember me talking about Alaska Vodka in Israel, well in Australia, the backpackers drink ‘goon’. Which is cheap boxed wine that contains egg and fish according to the ingredients! It’s no Sauvignon blanc. But it’s a cheap and quick path to the paradise of drunkendom.

I don’t really remember much about the night. We all went to some house, got f*cked up. Then I was in a club talking to some American lesbian who got so charmed by my accent and good looks she completely forgot she was a lesbian and pounced on me. She said something like “I’m only 90% lesbian by the way”. Next thing I know she was having my tonsils for dinner. Being able to pull a lesbian has pushed my ego into dangerous new heights. I eventually got kicked out the club for being drunk. That’s all you need to be in Australia, I stumbled a bit and the bouncer told me I’ve had enough. You really have to experience it to see just how ridiculously strict the bouncers are.

The thing with Aussie bouncers is, their not just some ‘roid-head on a power trip. Their all big, f*ck off Maori’s who can crush your face like a coke can just from looking at you. For those that don’t know, Maori’s are the native people of New Zealand. Maori’s don’t have to work out, they just have to be Maori. So when they tell you to get the f*ck out. You get the f*ck out.

I start training for my job on Thursday at the leisurely hour of 1pm. So not complaining at all. Have no idea what I will do tomorrow. Brisbane has nothing to do in it, apart from drink. Which I don’t want to get into the habit of doing everyday, f*ck me I’ve changed. As much as I love drinking, I don’t want to do it everyday because then I spend too much money and can’t travel as much. I think as well, I spent 3 years of my life drinking at least 5/7 days a week when I worked at the pub. I’ve done all that now.

Don’t get me wrong though, this weekend is going to be complete and utter carnage with my new work gang. Can’t wait!

Aussie sausages and a Peeling Tan...

Right now I’m sitting here bored off my tits. My bus leaves in 2 hours. So I figured I would pass the time by writing another blog. This isn’t a live one as I have no internet connection; so am writing it on Word. Anyway, so yeah, my current plan is to head up to Brisbane and find some work. I’ve heard a lot of backpackers say they can’t get work here. But there’s two type of people in this world. People that make shit happen, and those who don’t know their arse from their elbow and wait around for someone else to do things for them. Luckily I’m not the latter. This country is bursting at the seams with work. A far cry from the situation in my home nation right now.

The English urban landscape is full of abandoned building sites which were halted by the recession. I remember when I worked in the pub, as the recession got worse and worse. The pub got full of more tradesmen in the weekdays who were out of work. It’s a sad sight to see. This is far from the case in Australia, it seems the country is making the most of it’s economic boom right now. Everywhere you look, skyscrapers and new houses are being built. By built I mean there’s actually men on the site making them. I’ve already had about 4 labouring jobs offered to me. It’s insane.

So I’m quite optimistic about finding work. Even in shop windows there are adverts seeking new staff. It’s this healthy economic situation that is not putting me in a rush to leave this country anytime soon. Nothing lasts forever. Australia won’t always have this awesome economy, as an Englishman, I have a pretty good knowledge of a rise and fall of a great Empire and economy. But for the time being, things here are awesome and fingers crossed it will be a little while yet until things take a turn for the worse.

Bollocks, just realised my tan is starting to peel. Oh well, in a country like this, it won’t take me long to get it back. So yeah, that’s all I have to report on at present. Still have to wait a while for the bus. Will probably buy a couple of pies to pass the time. I really need to settle down for a bit. Being on the road is an unhealthy lifestyle. You can’t do a proper food shop from the supermarket because you will be leaving in a couple of days. I’ve been eating $10 All You Can Eat brekky all week. All the egg, bacon, beans, sausages etc. you want. Perfect hangover cure. Not the perfect heart attack cure.

Actually, that reminds me, to the Aussie’s reading this, what the FUCK have you done to sausage rolls?! Fair play on the pies. I can’t knock you for that one. But so far, I have only found sausage rolls with beef inside them. Shit is f*cked up. You see in Oz, most sausages are made of beef (as far as I have gathered so far), I’m guessing because they have so many cows in their country they’ve decided to turn them into sausages. I have to say, I’m not impressed. Sausages should be made of pork, and only pork. End of story.

One more thing which is funny. I see many things advertised as ‘English’. E.g. I saw an ‘English Muffin’ which was in fact a crumpet. I also saw ‘English cheese’ in Subway, what the hell is English cheese?! I thought they meant Cheddar at first, but they sold cheddar as cheddar. So I’m baffled. Speaking of cheddar, everytime I tell a foreigner that cheddar is an English invention, they think I’m lying. They can’t handle the fact England actually makes nice food. Deal with it. Right! Enough about food, I’m starving. Laters on.

Waltzing Goymer- My trip Downunder so far...

After much nagging, I have decided to bless you all with a blog. People are complaing my blogs aren’t as frequent as they were before. But what you have to remember is, when I was writing frequent blogs, I had no social life and internet on tap via my parents. Where as out here, I do have a social life and they charge an arm and a leg for internet. But tonight I am alone in a quite hostel and decided now is a good time to inform you all what I have been doing and my views so far on the Land Downunder. So sit tight and enjoy the ride.

I was absolutely dreading the trip to Australia, and by that, I literally mean trip! I was to leave England Monday night; and land in Sydney on Thursday. The best thing about preparing for the worst is, when it happens, you don’t actually think it was that bad. Waiting in Shanghai airport for 12 hours was a ball ache. But my yellow fever was in full flow, so I spent most my time admiring the pretty Chinese ladies all around me. I had the honour of sitting next to one on the 2^nd leg of the flight. Needless to say, this made the time fly by.

As we landed in Sydney, that old buzz came back again. The same buzz I had as the wheels of the plane touch down on the hot tarmac of Tel-Aviv. I was here. But before I had even entered customs; I faced a massive problem. The Visa bureau told me I need at least $5000 to get in as a working-holiday holder. I only had a bodged up bank statement saying $4000. I spent most of my flight thinking up a good story to blag my way through this predicament. Obviously I wasn’t fully aware of how laid back Aussie’s are as the bloke behind the desk barely even checked my Visa; let alone my bank statement. He was probably too busy thinking about Kangaroos and beetroots.

The airport was lovely and cool with the air-con. So when I stepped out the door, it was like I had accidentally walked into a crematorium. I thought, “F*ck this. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to deal with this heat. When’s the next flight home?”.  But then I took a massive can of man the f*ck up and I got on my train to Sydney centre. I was impressed by Sydney initially. It’s a city that never sleeps, full of pubs and restaurants. But after I few days, I realised that it really is just a city of pubs and restaurants. As far as sightseeing goes; there’s not a great deal to see. The Botanic gardens are lovely, Sydney Opera House ain’t all that in my opinion. It’s a big white building that doesn’t really have anything interesting about it. The historical porn, for a history freak like me, is poor. But I was expecting that anyway. The Houses of Parliament in London almost got blown up by Guy Fawkes and pals in the 17^th Century. Sydney Opera House had an awesome showing of Les Miserables in ’97.

Another funny one is, in England, you will see statues of people such as Lord Nelson; who heroically defeated the hordes of Spanish and French ships. Oliver Cromwell, who brought the English monarchy down to their knees and changed the future of English politics forever. The Duke of Wellington, the man who saved Europe from the clutches of the genius that is Napoleon Bonaparte. In Australia you’re more likely see statues of “Bruce Carpenter; the man who planted the first grape plant in Australia”.

But enough about slagging off their non-existant history. So far, I love this country. The buildings are generally ugly, their TV and Media is Americanised to f*ck, the bouncers are absolute Nazis, everything is stupidly expensive. But I absolutely love it here. One of the most important things about a country, is it’s people, Aussies are awesome. Their some of the politest and friendliest people I have ever met. I was in one of their supermarkets and the girl behind the cashier was packing my shopping into bags for me. This felt so wrong I reached across the counter and grabbed a bag and started packing too; she looked at me like I had escaped from a loon asylum.

It’s the little things like this that show the difference to attitude where I’m from. The only time they give assistance in England is if you’re elderly or you dribble down your t-shirt for a living. Another example, I was looking for a train station. This car pulls into their driveway and a man in a suit gets out. He’s clearly just finished  a long day at work. I ask him for directions to the train station. He starts to tell me, then says “F*ck it, get in and I’ll take you there”. I was shocked and had to be fully persauded to accept this offer. This kind of kindness to a stranger is long gone in most places in England. My Grandad tells me England was this kind back in the day, but it has all died out since the country became full of c*nts. So keep that one up Australia.

I spent 6 days in Sydney, whi ch was good, but not mindblowing. Everybody tells me Melbourne is the best city, so I looked forward to going there. I got the train up to Newcastle to meet a friend who I met in Israel. He was living in a house which the landlord believed was housing 3 people. But when I get there, there was easily 9 people living in this place. My time here mainly consisted of going to the beach and then doing nothing. It was just relaxing and more relaxing. It’s crazy to get in the sea where the water is actually nice to go in. It’s cold for about 2 seconds, then your body gets used to it and you can stay in for hours. That’s until the bloody jellyfish start floating in. If there is a God, then he has some explaining to do. Jellyfish are the most pointless creature in the world. Their ugly, they don’t do anything except for float around and sting people. At least crocodiles will spectacularly munch through your spine like a Twix bar. Jellyfish are just little bastards who are so pissed off about living an ugly and shit life, they decide to sting people to vent out their anger. Wankers.

I planned to stay in Newcastle for a bit. Because the beach is nice and the house was 2 minutes from it. But then I went out one night, and met the biggest Nazis since Himmler and Adolf himself. These people are; Aussie bouncers. They are DICKS! Like proper dicks. I was in a queue talking to an English lad, so my accent was pretty strong, when all of a sudden this bouncer comes over and asks me for a chat. I thought he might be checking ID or whatever, so I got it ready. Then he goes:

“I think you’ve had enough; you’re not coming in”

*Me completely shocked*

“Ay?! How have you just figured that one out? You’ve literally only just spoken to me. Breathalise me if you want”

“We don’t do breathalisers. I say you’re too drunk and that’s that”

By this point I was screwing. Some where between calling him a wanker and a c*nt. He decided to offer me a black eye for a dinner. I may have been angry, but not angry enough to try and take on a man who eat steroids for breakfast, lunch and dinner. A Canadian lad informed me the next day it happened to his English mate for a long time in Newcastle. It’s because of my accent and shaven head they thought I was some sort of football hooligan. So many people have said this when I’m travelling. Because of my accent + shaven head, they think I’m a lager drinking football yob. At first I found it funny, now it’s just annoying and I will break the face of the next prick who says it and drink 8 cans of Special Brew afterwards.

It’s not just Newcastle though. When you’re out, you have to be so careful not to drop a glass, dance like a dick, shout really loud, do anything fun. Otherwise the bouncers will kick you out for being too drunk. In England, you only get refused entry if you literally can’t walk and threaten to rape the bouncers wife and drown his kids. Australian bouncers don’t let drunk people into pubs. I’m surprised they let fish swim in the water with that logic.

But still, the people here are amazing. Last Saturday I accidentally ended up in Surfer’s Paradise (I will tell you why another time). I was going to spend one night there and then head down to my original destination of Coolangatta. But then I met these sound 2 Aussie lads from Canberra who were in Surfer’s for a holiday and ended up spending 6 days and $800 there. Worth every penny though. Surfer’s Paradise is off the chain. The local girls are fit as, but they know it, and hate backpackers. But us backpackers are there in full force and don’t give a shit what the locals think. I could tell you some funny/f*cked up things about my time there. But it’s not for family viewing. Just know, it was a crazy week and I made some awesome mates.

My favourite thought out here is when I’m next to a swimming pool or the sea. It’s 25-30 degrees and I have a beer at hand and am surrounded by awesome people. Then I think of everyone freezing their nuts off back home and think “This country is pretty decent”. I’m currently in Coolangatta, recovering from the 6 day bender. Heading up to Brisbane tomorrow to try and find work.

So Australia so far, expensive, bouncers are Nazis, annoying Americanised TV with adverts every 2 seconds selling you shit and ‘news’ reports on things such as how many men look at a hot girls arse in the street, awesome weather, awesome beaches, awesome people, amazing pies (had my best one EVER today, steak, gravy, egg, bacon and cheese), more evenly spread out wealth than in Europe, no class snobbery, drive on the left side (instant access to being a top country). I have a lot more to say, but will save that for another day. Laters.

p.s. Just walked to Maccy D’s (Mcdonalds) to send this on the web. Walked through a dark park and didn’t fear once that a crackhead might knife me or I’m gonna get jumped by 20 pissed up chavs. Win for Australia.