Not long after i'd booked my tickets, I was now on my way to London Heathrow. I must admit that I was starting to get some pre-match jitters at this stage. I was about to fly to a country where I knew absolutely nobody nor the language and I didn't have that much money. I didn't need money if I was working and living in a kibbutz. But the problem was, I didn't know how much of a guarantee I had of getting a placement. To work on a kibbutz you must apply through a company called 'The Kibbutz Programme Centre' (KPC). I went on their website before I left England and emailed them all my details and went through a lot of hassle getting all sorts of documents together that the website said they required from me. They emailed me back saying I might have to wait for a week because placements are short. "No worries" I thought, that will give me a chance to chill out and adapt to the culture.
I got a lift, from a friend, to Heathrow airport. Once his car left me it all sunk in. This is it Goymer. Just me and you now. No running to mummy if it all goes wrong. I've always wanted to travel solo. The thought of travelling with someone else doesn't appeal to me. If you travel with a friend or a partner, you have to do everything together. But what if you want to go to A and they want to go to B? You have to discuss this and come up with a solution. I prefer being able to say "I'm going here today" and that's that. End of. It's all down to me, nobody else.
The flight wasn't too long, 5 hours. It was a late night flight though, so I wished to catch some sleep. I should of known better; being on a plane with a bunch of Israelis would stop me catching any sleep when a massive argument kicked off on the flight. Some Orthodox Jew (a religious Jew) was talking quite loudly, an attractive Israeli lady sitting in front of him wasn't having any of it. If someone's annoying you by speaking loudly and you wish them to be quite, what should you do? That's right. Shout at them louder and wake the whole plane up! Maybe anyone else would apologise if someone was angry about you disturbing their sleep. But no, these are Israelis. This means he has to shout back at her; obviously.
After an awkward flight, we finally arrived. I'm here! This is it. No more pipe dreams now. Now it is-real (sorry I couldn't resist it). My next step was to get to my hostel in the city centre. I set out a simple plan in my head:
-Arrive at Ben-Gurion Airport
-Get the train into the city centre
-Get on the bus to Hayrakon Street
-Check into Hostel
-Go to KPC
That's how simple travelling is. It's no different to getting the bus or train in your own country. I can completely see why people find the idea of travelling daunting, let alone travelling solo. I wish I could tell you all the secret to what makes a traveller have no fear in doing this. But I honestly believe you either have it or you don't. I said a couple of sentences ago "It's no different to getting the bus or train in your own country". I may have to take that statement back because it's not exactly true. Especially when the writing on the signs looks like this: הכוס.
Oh dear. Five minutes into my adventure and i'm stuck already. Where the hell is the train station?! I had heard English is the mutual language of the world. Now was my time to put this to the test.
I nervously approach a young lad who has this "Don't disturb me or i'll smash you like a Gaza neighbourhood" look about him. Apparently English is the mutual language of the world. Well this is correct, it IS the mutual language of the world. But what I was yet to learn is that Johnny Foreigner learns English at school; out of text books. They learn how to pronounce every word PROPERLY and they aren't taught greetings like "awright mate?". This poor unsuspecting Binyamin Cohen had to try and decipher the complicated enigma that is working class English. After much blood and toil; he finally managed to point me in the right direction.
To stop myself rambling on too much, I will just tell you that I made it to the hostel. Get in there Goymer! My mission was complete. All the boxes were ticked and I could finally relax and take in just what the hell is happening here. I am in Israel...I AM IN ISRAEL!!! WTF?! Why?! When?! This is crazy! This is awesome! I was absolutely buzzing. I remember going straight from my hostel to the Mediterranean beach in Tel-Aviv. It was about 8am and 30 degrees. All sorts of thoughts were going through my head. All happy thoughts. Everything bad that had happened to me was nothing. It all became clear to me how irrelevant that all was. The people that had done me wrong and hurt me were nothing. They will still continue with their uneventful, monotonous and mundane lives. Whilst I was living my life and there's nothing anyone can do about it. In the middle of this moment of clarity I fell asleep on the beach. I had had no sleep for over a day.
A white-man's face + long exposure to the sun= bad times. I may as well of washed my face in white phosphorus. I was in complete agony! But with a whole new canister of energy in me; it was time to explore and meet some people. How can I describe Tel-Aviv in a nut shell? Take your favourite modern Western city, fill it with nightclubs, shawarma shops (shawarma is the Middle Eastern kebab) and stick it on a beautiful Mediterranean beach. I love Tel-Aviv. It is mental. In a good way. Ever heard the term "the city that never sleeps"? Tel-Aviv is one of those. There's always something going on. I need to emphasise how Western and modern Israel is. Tel-Aviv is not Baghdad. Tel-Aviv is a thriving 1st world city in a beautiful location. Israel full stop is a first world country. They wear the same clothes as any other Westerner and listen to the same music. It's not a rare thing to see Avi Nachmias wearing a Ralph Lauren polo shirt, Levis denims and Lacoste trainers whilst listening to his favourite Oasis tracks on his I-pod.
I learnt one of the biggest lessons about travelling within my first week of being in Tel-Aviv. Money can be spent...and fast. I spent every night in Tel-Aviv getting wasted on £5 bottles of beer and living on shawarma kebabs as my staple diet. It's so easy to make friends when you travel. If you went out that planning to not make friends, you would still make friends. It's impossible not to! I was sitting on the roof top of the hostel smoking some fine Egyptian hashish with a Dutch guy (not stereotypical at all!). We was smoking, chilling, talking about our countries and our views on Israel. The stars of the holy land were shining above us. I could even see the one that guided the 3 wise men to Jesus. It was truly euphoric. BAM!!!
The door slams open and an intoxicated well-built, skinhead Polish guy shoves a whisky bottle in my face "You must drink with me" (again, not stereotypical at all!). After a while of considering this offer (about half a second) I decided to accept. This was my first night. It was the first time in my life I felt so free. Here I am, in Israel, on a rooftop with a bunch of people from all over the world. Getting smashed. This is nuts! Me and the Polish guy especially were to become good friends. He had lived in London, Hackney, for 2 years. So he was the only one who could completely understand my corrupted English without many complications.
It was in Tel-Aviv I first encountered Israeli girls. Aah Israeli girls. So beautiful I think their proof enough that God must be a Jew. Israeli girls are STUNNING. They are definitely some of the best looking girls I have seen so far. But f*ck me, they are the hardest girls to work out! Israeli men call them 'Sabra'. Which is a prickly pear. Because Israeli girls are prickly and hard on the outside but soft as mush inside. I was having a great night of clubbing in Tel-Aviv. When this gorgeous chick catches my eye. I go over to her and her friends (accompanied by a wingman). The moment I open my mouth their faces all light up like a town centre at Christmas.
"Where are you from?!"
"England"
They instantly love me. Wow. So it's true. Foreign chicks LOVE the English accent. Then their all wanting me to say things like "wicked" "kno wha' I mean?". This is too easy I thought. Then the pretty one, I had made eye contact with, was all over me. I went to the bar with one of my mates and he says:
"Your in there Sam! She's all over you!". I cockily reply
"I know! This is like shooting fish in a barrel"
This, girl who I shall call "Ayala", then suggested she can take us all to an even better club. Awesome. So we promptly follow her lead whilst she takes my hand. It's pretty much set in stone by now...isn't it? We get to the club and Ayalah turns to me with this grin on her face
"My taxi is here, I have to go now"
And as quick as she came, she was gone. Just like that. WHAT...THE...FUCK! We was all shell shocked. What just happened?! I played it all by the book. My game was flawless. I could of pulled 20 English girls with the effort I put into trying to get her. But she just didn't want to know. In my whole 6 months of being in Israel. I never got one Israeli girl. I learnt that the majority of them want to settle down. It's near enough impossible to get one night stand with no feelings involved. So maybe when i'm ready to start I family I will go back to Israel to find my wife. Because the Israeli girl is truly a fine specimen.
I spent all my money in two weeks. I had to spend the second week eating hummus and bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Yet, I was happier having this adventure eating hummus and bread all day than I was back home eating like a King. It took me 2 weeks to get a Kibbutz placement. The whole thing was a joke and the whole situation couldn't be more typical of an Israeli.
I turn up at the KPC on my first day. Sitting behind the desk is this absolutely vile and grotesque creature called Bella. She was HIDEOUS. It was like Jabba the Hut and Freddy Krueger had a love child. Disgusting. It also turned out she had as much manners as she did good looks. She asked me who I was, I explained who I am and she gave me a very vacant stare. She had no recollection of my emails or anything. She said I had to start the process all over again. My stomach sank. I spent all this time emailing her, sending her documents. Now she says she doesn't know who I am. BOLLOCKS! She was the laziest beast known to man. I went to the office everyday for 2 weeks and all she said was "Come back tomorrow". The only time she did offer me a kibbutz was one with only 5 volunteers, it was next to Gaza (the area where the war is happening) and it was construction work. A far cry from the cheap booze and foreign girls I was looking for. Needless to say I rejected this offer.
FINALLY, after two weeks of "come back tomorrow", she tells me I have a place on a kibbutz. It is a popular kibbutz in the north of Israel. I had to speak to the volunteer recruiter on the phone because he was reluctant to employ an Englishman. He had a bad history of Englishmen drinking too much and starting fights (doesn't sound like us at all...). He asked me who I support in football. I said Arsenal, turns out he too loves Arsenal so he took me right away. Let me tell you something; for all you football haters out there. It is a universal language and reaches so many people in parts of the world it's unreal. Men from all over the world have 3 universal languages: Music, girls and football. You can never go wrong with them.
It was time for me to leave the party capital of the Middle East. I wish I could write a whole lot more about my experiences in Tel Aviv but I fear I have bored you long enough! So now was time for the main chapter of my journey. To live and work on a kibbutz. What is a kibbutz? I always struggle to explain this. It's basically a type of settlement where many families live, everybody there works and helps each other out. It is a self-sustainable society where you work for food and accommodation. It's a lot deeper and more to it than that. But I don't want to confuse you! So it was off to Kibbutz Baram I go. I said farewell to my Tel Aviv chums (who I still stay in touch with) and headed off to the north of Israel. What lay ahead for me? Cheap booze and foreign girls? Or no booze and a bunch of old bearded Jews who wanted me to do gruesome tasks for a free falafel everyday whilst I sleep in a shelter made of asbestos? There was only one way to find out...
keep em coming goymer ;)
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