My second regret was getting so drunk and getting massive blank spots in my memory from the night before. That's not fun for me. One of the best things about getting drunk is the day after. When you and your friends are reminiscing about the night before. Laughing at he who pulled a leprosy-infested pig the night before. And applauding he who blagged a threesome with Megan Fox and mid 1990's Jennifer Aniston (not that she's ugly now by any means!). I missed out on a lot of these tales. That's no thanks to 'Alaska Vodka'. Ah Alaska vodka. It cost 4 quid (£4 to non-UK readers) for a litre and tasted like AID's (if AID's has a taste?)
One of the first thing people told me about the Kibbutz was: "You will be drinking straight vodka". I completely laughed this off and politely retorted "No f*cking chance!". Someone should of given me a knife and fork when I said that, because I was soon going to eat my words. I can't remember when and where exactly. But I do recall that I was happily drinking my beer and generally have a chilled night. This was soon to change when someone pulled out a bottle of Alaska Vodka. Why it's called that God only knows. I bet it's from Alaska just as much as Queen Elizabeth is from Kazakhstan. Anyway, they started pouring out straight shots of vodka for everybody. There was NO WAY I was going to go anyway near the stuff. But of course, my ego got challenged and I had to drink it. It can't of been that bad, because soon I completely fucked my beers off and was pouring my self out straight voddys one after another. What a machine.
Me and my viking friend would start drinking about 5.30pm. By dinnertime at 6.30-7.00, I was well on my way. We'd nail some grub. Head back to volunteers and continue the pre-pub drinking. By the time the pub opened, I was already a dribbling mess who took 30 minutes to complete one sentence. Most of what happened after that is a blur. Like New Year's Eve for example. All I can remember from NYE was tearing into a random mountain of sushi. That's it. That was my night as far as my brain can tell me! Mind you, it was bloody good sushi.
By January, me and Alaska knew each other pretty well. Everything was happening so fast. At first I thought it was disgusting and too aggressive. But once I got to know it, I was in love. I could neck this stuff like it was water. Until one cold night in the Israeli mountains...
I mentioned in another blog that I first found out about the Kibbutz because of a lad I went to school with called Ben. Over two months into the trip and we still hadn't met. Both of us were just too busy living the kibbutz life. A life that sucked me in so much I completely forget there's a world beyond those pine coated mountains. So after a natter on Facebook we arrange a meeting. Long story short, there was a cock-up in communication and he turns up unexpected. I was going to have a quite night and had no alcohol. Catastrophe.
After much brainstorming we decide to phone up a shop in the nearby Arab village of Jish. These boys sorted us out big time. We phone, they deliver alcohol. Heaven. We go all out and buy six litres of vodka, no mixer needed by this stage. By this stage I didn't have a pot to piss in. So I had to use the ol' English 'gift of the gab' to get money off people so I could fulfill my alcoholic needs. Eventually the cargo arrived, hallelujah. Let the festivities begin!
For some reason, Ben decided doing a single shot of vodka just wasn't quite man enough. So we had to drink it by the double. What an amazing idea. So amazing I passed out at 10.30pm whilst everyone else carried on partying in my room. I woke up in the morning with a really wet pillow and a feeling on my head like someone had been trying to jab a sharp screwdriver into it over and over. "WHAT THE F*CK!? WHY'S MY PILLOW SO WET?!" I was later to find out, that whilst I had passed out, some of my fellow volunteers thought it would be quite rude of themselves not to f*ck me up in my drunken state. This is what happened to me:
What a mong! I knew right away who was responsible for this. A couple of weeks before this, me and a mate may have poured a huge cooler box of melted ice over a sleeping Aussie. We may also of chased him around the volunteer block with broomsticks, kicking down every door he tried to hide behind, until he eventually had to sneak into someone else's room and sleep there. A few days after this, I recall possibly drawing penis' all over his face the night before he had to go to work, he didn't see the one I put behind his ear and went to work oblivious to it. So perhaps I completely deserved what happened to me and should of called it quits...never.
It was about 8am and I was still completely wasted. I had drunk a litre and a half of straight vodka to myself in a matter of hours, I was in a bad way. The moment I woke up to this monstrosity, I jumped out of bed like a soldier to the call of action. Still in my boxer shorts, I march straight out of my room to hunt down my prey. Luckily I know he's in the room opposite to ours. BAM!!! I storm in there like a madman and head straight for his bed. By the time he knows what's going on I've dragged his bed all the way to the double door and proceed to mercilessly strike him with a broomstick (my favoured choice of weapon by this point). Now all I can hear is that familiar loud whiney Aussie accent:
"F*CK OFF GOYMER!!! WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING YOU PRICK?!!?!"
"WHY'S MY F*CKING PILLOW WET?!?! AY?! NOT SO FUNNY NOW IS IT!!!"
I was still absolutely wankered. I finished it all off by launching a telephone at his head. Then I stumbled back to bed and went to sleep. Somehow I even managed to scar his leg with the broom. I would be lying if I said I'm not proud of that. That was definitely the drunkest I've ever been. I passed out at 10.30pm. I didn't even know that was scientifically possible. One girl even managed to draw a penis on my forehead whilst I was AWAKE. I had no idea it had happened. From the pictures, it appears they used their brains and cunning to perform this operation by sticking a pretty Swedish girl in front of me. It just so happened she had a lovely pair of...shoes on her. I was admiring her shoes so much that I didn't even notice someone was drawing on my head!
I also found out what the excruciating pain in my head was. Apparently I ran into a door and almost knocked myself out. Pretty much sums up my night. This was the end of the road for me and Alaska. After that night, just the smell of it made me gag. Even just seeing somebody pouring themselves a drink could turn my stomach after this point. It wasn't nice vodka by any means. I think the ingredients must be cats piss, battery acid with an essence of baby turd. It is disgusting. But f*ck me it done the job!
F*ck me, I was hoping to fit a lot more into my blog today. This was supposed to include another topic. But I think that's enough for now. Thanks a lot and up the Gunners!
No comments:
Post a Comment