Johnny Foreigner

It's that time again. That time where I have naff all to do so may as well write another story! I've had a lot of positive feedback for this blog and would like to thank everybody once again. As big headed and arrogant some of you may think I am (with good reason I suppose!) I am truly humbled and well chuffed with the positive comments I've been receiving. Some people, who I was at Bar'am with have moaned that I have missed a lot of funny moments out. Well I'm sorry, but:

A: There's too much for me to remember.
B: Some things that were funny to us (i.e. inside jokes) just won't be that entertaining to people who weren't there.
C: There are just some events that should NOT go beyond the realms of the Kibbutz. So don't worry Mr 'I made a tit out of myself on Australia night' ;)

Right, enough of that. Let's get down to business...

One of the best things I love about travelling; is the people you meet. The Kibbutz was a real melting pot of nationalities. I only ever met three other people from Blighty during my time in Bar'am. The rest included people from Australia, USA, Colombia, Sweden, South Africa, South Korea, France, Denmark, Macedonia, Mexico, Argentina, Holland, Switzerland and a lot more. Meeting people from such different cultures was truly an eye opener. I learnt more about the world in those few months than a lot of people do their whole life.  I've always had an interest in foreign culture, I honestly don't know why. But foreign culture and history have always been my intellectual porn.

So it was much to my delight to meet people from all four corners of the Earth and see and hear about what kind of people they are. I saw many stereotypes completely obliterated (Yanks DO have a sense of humour, not all Colombians are cocaine snorting gangsters etc.). But it is hilarious when somebody does something that fits within their stereotype. Like the Mexicans, for example, if we got a ten second break at work, you could bet your house that they would take this golden opportunity to have a nap! Also, they put tabasco sauce on EVERYTHING, the same way an Englishman uses ketchup or a Dutchman uses mayonaisse (freaks!).

I'm not too sure what everybody thinks of English people. There are two main stereotypes of the English. The first one being a people who wear bowler hats, drink tea, eat Fish and Chips and love the Queen. This is a pretty out-of-date view if I'm perfectly honest. Apart from Fish and Chips & tea, we need them three like a diabetic needs insulin. The second stereotype is that we're a bunch of loud, drunken hooligans who hit on any girl within a 500 metre radius and will pick a fight on any 'Johnny Foreigner' who looks at the Englishman in a funny way. If you have never heard of this latter stereotype, then I suggest you go to Ibiza or any other Mediterranean island in the summertime. Actually I don't suggest that, you will hate England after that!

I'm not sure which image I gave out to the foreigners I met. Because I do say my 'please' and 'thank you's', hold the door open for people etc. like any real Englishman should. But I do recall occasionally getting wasted and going on a massive, mindless vandalism rampage like any real Englishman should!

One major thing about people from the British Isles is, we are island people. There's a lot of people on this island who would laugh in your face if you tried to say the UK is European (me included!). Being surrounded by sea has bred into us this "Us VS Them" mentality. I'm an convinced the Euro is a massive ploy to bring down the Pound Sterling (£) because Europe was jealous of how far ahead of them we all were. I have no idea if this is true, but it fits well with the 'Us against the World' mentality we have on this island. And let me tell you, this state of mind can play havoc with the brain when you're the only Englishman in a room...

I could be sitting in the living room watching TV, minding my own business. Then a few Swedes would walk in the room and start conversing to each other in Swedish. More than likely they were just talking about their favourite IKEA furniture or how everything "is so much better in Sweden". But to me, they were conspiring to kill me. I was John F Kennedy, the foreigners were Lee Harvey Oswald. I would be getting paranoid as fuck that these people were speaking about me. Probably laughing at how I can only speak one language. I know I wasn't alone in this paranoia because some of the Australians also felt the same (also English speaking island people). Bloody Johnny Foreigners!

In fairness to the Swedes, these lot have English on lockdown. Some of them, you honestly would not know that English is their second language. If anything, you would think their American because they all talk like Yanks when they speak English (why they want to do that God only knows!). Some of them are very modest about how good their English is and will kindly assure you that their English is not that good. Some will try and CORRECT you on your English and argue that you're wrong! I've got a love-hate thing with the Swedes. I think I either love them or hate them. They can be odd people, but on the other hand they can be some of the best people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting.

This brings me to my next point. Being around foreigners made me very conscious about the way I talk. I never realised how fast I speak and how I don't correctly pronounce words like they 'should be'. This was a nightmare when I first went abroad. Because when you speak to people in your normal English, most foreigners don't understand. But they are too scared to ask you to slow down and speak properly because they put it down to their poor English skills instead of the fact you're not speaking 'properly'. I only found this out when an Israeli girl I worked with would constantly tell me to slow down because she didn't have the foggiest what I just said.

This soon lead to my accent getting fucked about royally. There was one French girl who only understood me if I spoke English in a French accent. No word of a lie. At one point my Dad said I sounded like Forrest Gump! Because, when speaking to those who speak poor English; you have to downgrade the way you speak. Thus conversing in, what in England we know as, 'Pidgin English'. This really fucks with your head. Because I spoke it so much, your mind gets used to it and you automatically start speaking retarded to people sometimes. Even if it's a fellow native-English speaker! I even started to find I had to REALLY concentrate when listening to English actors/actresses on TV because my brain became so used to listening to foreigners speaking English rather than my own people!

Being in this environment really did make me want to learn another language. So when I came back to England I started to learn German. But to be honest, native English speakers are terrible for learning new languages. Foreigners HAVE to learn English if they want to be successful in life. They know this, so they try their best to perfect the English language. I actually feel guilty sometimes watching how hard some people try to learn English and struggle. Yet here's me who dropped out of my French classes with the good ol' English attitude of "Why the fuck do I have to learn French?! I'm never going to France!!!".

Maybe if the French Empire beat the British Empire back in the 18th century then I would now be typing this blog in fluent Froggy tongue. But they didn't. The British Empire won and thus the English language is the heavyweight champion of the world. GET IN THERE MY SON!

I know I didn't really write any stories today. I'm ill; and digging that deep into my battered brain could possibly kill me. Happy New Year everybody.