After much nagging, I have decided to bless you all with a blog. People are complaing my blogs aren’t as frequent as they were before. But what you have to remember is, when I was writing frequent blogs, I had no social life and internet on tap via my parents. Where as out here, I do have a social life and they charge an arm and a leg for internet. But tonight I am alone in a quite hostel and decided now is a good time to inform you all what I have been doing and my views so far on the Land Downunder. So sit tight and enjoy the ride.
I was absolutely dreading the trip to Australia, and by that, I literally mean trip! I was to leave England Monday night; and land in Sydney on Thursday. The best thing about preparing for the worst is, when it happens, you don’t actually think it was that bad. Waiting in Shanghai airport for 12 hours was a ball ache. But my yellow fever was in full flow, so I spent most my time admiring the pretty Chinese ladies all around me. I had the honour of sitting next to one on the 2nd leg of the flight. Needless to say, this made the time fly by.
As we landed in Sydney, that old buzz came back again. The same buzz I had as the wheels of the plane touch down on the hot tarmac of Tel-Aviv. I was here. But before I had even entered customs; I faced a massive problem. The Visa bureau told me I need at least $5000 to get in as a working-holiday holder. I only had a bodged up bank statement saying $4000. I spent most of my flight thinking up a good story to blag my way through this predicament. Obviously I wasn’t fully aware of how laid back Aussie’s are as the bloke behind the desk barely even checked my Visa; let alone my bank statement. He was probably too busy thinking about Kangaroos and beetroots.
The airport was lovely and cool with the air-con. So when I stepped out the door, it was like I had accidentally walked into a crematorium. I thought, “F*ck this. There’s no way I’m gonna be able to deal with this heat. When’s the next flight home?”. But then I took a massive can of man the f*ck up and I got on my train to Sydney centre. I was impressed by Sydney initially. It’s a city that never sleeps, full of pubs and restaurants. But after I few days, I realised that it really is just a city of pubs and restaurants. As far as sightseeing goes; there’s not a great deal to see. The Botanic gardens are lovely, Sydney Opera House ain’t all that in my opinion. It’s a big white building that doesn’t really have anything interesting about it. The historical porn, for a history freak like me, is poor. But I was expecting that anyway. The Houses of Parliament in London almost got blown up by Guy Fawkes and pals in the 17th Century. Sydney Opera House had an awesome showing of Les Miserables in ’97.
Another funny one is, in England, you will see statues of people such as Lord Nelson; who heroically defeated the hordes of Spanish and French ships. Oliver Cromwell, who brought the English monarchy down to their knees and changed the future of English politics forever. The Duke of Wellington, the man who saved Europe from the clutches of the genius that is Napoleon Bonaparte. In Australia you’re more likely see statues of “Bruce Carpenter; the man who planted the first grape plant in Australia”.
But enough about slagging off their non-existant history. So far, I love this country. The buildings are generally ugly, their TV and Media is Americanised to f*ck, the bouncers are absolute Nazis, everything is stupidly expensive. But I absolutely love it here. One of the most important things about a country, is it’s people, Aussies are awesome. Their some of the politest and friendliest people I have ever met. I was in one of their supermarkets and the girl behind the cashier was packing my shopping into bags for me. This felt so wrong I reached across the counter and grabbed a bag and started packing too; she looked at me like I had escaped from a loon asylum.
It’s the little things like this that show the difference to attitude where I’m from. The only time they give assistance in England is if you’re elderly or you dribble down your t-shirt for a living. Another example, I was looking for a train station. This car pulls into their driveway and a man in a suit gets out. He’s clearly just finished a long day at work. I ask him for directions to the train station. He starts to tell me, then says “F*ck it, get in and I’ll take you there”. I was shocked and had to be fully persauded to accept this offer. This kind of kindness to a stranger is long gone in most places in England. My Grandad tells me England was this kind back in the day, but it has all died out since the country became full of c*nts. So keep that one up Australia.
I spent 6 days in Sydney, whi ch was good, but not mindblowing. Everybody tells me Melbourne is the best city, so I looked forward to going there. I got the train up to Newcastle to meet a friend who I met in Israel. He was living in a house which the landlord believed was housing 3 people. But when I get there, there was easily 9 people living in this place. My time here mainly consisted of going to the beach and then doing nothing. It was just relaxing and more relaxing. It’s crazy to get in the sea where the water is actually nice to go in. It’s cold for about 2 seconds, then your body gets used to it and you can stay in for hours. That’s until the bloody jellyfish start floating in. If there is a God, then he has some explaining to do. Jellyfish are the most pointless creature in the world. Their ugly, they don’t do anything except for float around and sting people. At least crocodiles will spectacularly munch through your spine like a Twix bar. Jellyfish are just little bastards who are so pissed off about living an ugly and shit life, they decide to sting people to vent out their anger. Wankers.
I planned to stay in Newcastle for a bit. Because the beach is nice and the house was 2 minutes from it. But then I went out one night, and met the biggest Nazis since Himmler and Adolf himself. These people are; Aussie bouncers. They are DICKS! Like proper dicks. I was in a queue talking to an English lad, so my accent was pretty strong, when all of a sudden this bouncer comes over and asks me for a chat. I thought he might be checking ID or whatever, so I got it ready. Then he goes:
“I think you’ve had enough; you’re not coming in”
*Me completely shocked*
“Ay?! How have you just figured that one out? You’ve literally only just spoken to me. Breathalise me if you want”
“We don’t do breathalisers. I say you’re too drunk and that’s that”
By this point I was screwing. Some where between calling him a wanker and a c*nt. He decided to offer me a black eye for a dinner. I may have been angry, but not angry enough to try and take on a man who eat steroids for breakfast, lunch and dinner. A Canadian lad informed me the next day it happened to his English mate for a long time in Newcastle. It’s because of my accent and shaven head they thought I was some sort of football hooligan. So many people have said this when I’m travelling. Because of my accent + shaven head, they think I’m a lager drinking football yob. At first I found it funny, now it’s just annoying and I will break the face of the next prick who says it and drink 8 cans of Special Brew afterwards.
It’s not just Newcastle though. When you’re out, you have to be so careful not to drop a glass, dance like a dick, shout really loud, do anything fun. Otherwise the bouncers will kick you out for being too drunk. In England, you only get refused entry if you literally can’t walk and threaten to rape the bouncers wife and drown his kids. Australian bouncers don’t let drunk people into pubs. I’m surprised they let fish swim in the water with that logic.
But still, the people here are amazing. Last Saturday I accidentally ended up in Surfer’s Paradise (I will tell you why another time). I was going to spend one night there and then head down to my original destination of Coolangatta. But then I met these sound 2 Aussie lads from Canberra who were in Surfer’s for a holiday and ended up spending 6 days and $800 there. Worth every penny though. Surfer’s Paradise is off the chain. The local girls are fit as, but they know it, and hate backpackers. But us backpackers are there in full force and don’t give a shit what the locals think. I could tell you some funny/f*cked up things about my time there. But it’s not for family viewing. Just know, it was a crazy week and I made some awesome mates.
My favourite thought out here is when I’m next to a swimming pool or the sea. It’s 25-30 degrees and I have a beer at hand and am surrounded by awesome people. Then I think of everyone freezing their nuts off back home and think “This country is pretty decent”. I’m currently in Coolangatta, recovering from the 6 day bender. Heading up to Brisbane tomorrow to try and find work.
So Australia so far, expensive, bouncers are Nazis, annoying Americanised TV with adverts every 2 seconds selling you shit and ‘news’ reports on things such as how many men look at a hot girls arse in the street, awesome weather, awesome beaches, awesome people, amazing pies (had my best one EVER today, steak, gravy, egg, bacon and cheese), more evenly spread out wealth than in Europe, no class snobbery, drive on the left side (instant access to being a top country). I have a lot more to say, but will save that for another day. Laters.
p.s. Just walked to Maccy D’s (Mcdonalds) to send this on the web. Walked through a dark park and didn’t fear once that a crackhead might knife me or I’m gonna get jumped by 20 pissed up chavs. Win for Australia.
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