If the world is my oyster, then England is the pearl
Just writing about you now, makes my stomach swirl
I love my life, the freedom, but there is one major issue
Whenever I see you on TV, I really start to miss you
I
But oh how I wish to be back in the Green and Pleasant Land
Give me a decent pork pie or maybe cheese on toast
Actually, forget all that, where
They do it in Australia, yes, but it
A fry-up is serious business, yet Aussies treat it like a game
From the white cliffs of Dover, up to Hadrian
How can so much greatness, be in a land so small?
I miss proper English pubs and a kick-about down the park
Without you I am naked, like a tree stripped of it
I miss your sense of humour, I miss a good old moan
Please don
This poem comes from how I feel about the motherland every now and again. This home sickness usually strikes when you least suspect it and is usually triggered by something ridiculously minor. The TV is the main antagonist for this feeling. I got it the other day when an Australian news reporter was standing outside the Houses of Parliament. All of a sudden, this sinking feeling hit my stomach. It was heart breaking. Home sweet home. F*ck I miss you. And just to get rid of any shadows of uncertainty that it was England in the background. The sky was grey and cloudy and a massive Carlsberg lorry full of lager drove by in the background. Yep, that’s Ol’ Blighty alright.
The most ridiculous time my homesickness fuse was ignited though, was when some really, really obscure English show was on TV. I have no idea what it was, it was f*cking awful though. Anyway, there was a scene when a man was going through some woods, in England. There was no dialogue or music, the only noise that could be heard was the cooing of a wood pigeon. This noise instantly took me back to a very young Sam Goymer in English summertime, early Sunday morning, looking out the back window of the house I grew up in. The sun is gleaming, lawnmowers are mowing, my neighbours tall green trees are swaying in cool summer breeze and the pigeons are cooing. How the f*ck this picture found it’s way into my head God only knows. I probably spent the rest of that hot summers day in my back garden; either digging up old 18th and 19th artefacts scattered in the soil, like the Indiana Jones wannabe I was/am. Or I was starting a war between red and black ants. Trying my hardest to aid the kind black ants against the bastard red ones who would bite you so much. The reds always won though, wankers. It gave me a warm feeling inside to think of this, along with sadness that I’m so far away from home.
Don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t mean I start acting like a whiney little bitch, crying into my pillow that I want to go home. I really don’t want to go home, yet. But every now and again, you remember who you are and where you come from. No matter where you’re from, home is home. Me and an Englishmen spent 20 minutes yesterday discussing different sweets, biscuits and ice creams from England. It’s when you’re so far away from home, you think of things like this. On that note, do you remember those ice creams with the bubble gum ball in the bottom? It came with a small plastic spoon, we couldn’t think of the name for toffee. So if someone can tell me, then I can sleep easy tonight.
Anyway, enough of that. Let’s talk about Australia. Me and Australia had a bit of a falling out the other week. But we have since kissed and made up. We both said and done things we both regret, but that’s all over now. Now the dust has settled and my eye is beautiful again, the hate has diminished. I can‘t let one town change my judgement of all Australia. I have since left that inbred shit hole and am now in a different place with a different job. I’m living in a nice little cabin with 3 English lads (A Scouser, Yorkshireman and a lad from Wolves) and an Italian girl. We’re like a happy little family and there’s guaranteed, well paid work for the next few months which will get me my 2nd working holiday visa. There’s not a lot to do out here, which is good as I need to save money!
So tomorrow we move town again, to a place called Swan Hill, which is also on the Murray River. The Murray River can only be described as: F*CKING MASSIVE! It’s huge. I don’t know how far it goes for, but it makes most of the Victorian/NSW border. It’s swarmed with, the all Australian, eucalyptus trees. People outside of Australia don’t realise just how many trees there are in this country, especially in the East. That’s why you hear about so many bush fires in Oz, it’s just one massive tinder box. Despite the dangers of bush fires and poisonous creatures, it does make for great hiking.
I’m reading a book by a man called Paul Theroux, he’s a travel writer. The book I’m reading now is called Dark Star Safari. Bored of the monotony of life at home, working, getting home, eating dinner, waking up, working, getting home, eating dinner etc. he decides to throw himself into the big bad world for some adventure. I can relate 100%. In this book, he travels from Egypt all the way down to South Africa. This book has reignited my lust for adventure. As much as I love Oz, for an Englishman, it’s really not anything new or exciting. There’s not a lot of bravery involved in coming here as an Englishman. The culture and language is pretty much the same as home. So this book has got me thinking, f*ck a career or emigrating to Oz permanently right now. I’m 22, single and handsome. The world is mine to conquer. All the settling down nonsense can wait. This book has got me wanting to travel to some random countries again, like when I went to Israel. South East Asia doesn’t appeal to me. As beautiful as it may be, it’s just going to be full of backpackers. I have nothing against that, but, for me personally, I don’t think it would teach me anything new or improve me as a human being.
So, I’m looking at my options right now. I’m not going to say what or when yet, as the travelling man doesn’t know where he will be tomorrow, let alone in a few months time. All I know is, I’m so happy I was born to travel. The scariest thought in my head is if me and my ex hadn’t of broken up 2 years ago. I would probably be living in Newquay, working, eating dinner, waking up, drinking alcohol, working, eating dinner, waking up, working etc. There’s nothing wrong with living a settled down life. I will one day settle down with a wife, family etc. And I‘ll be the dogs danglys at that life. But right now, it’s not for me. Like I said before about travelling, you either have it in you to do it, or don’t. So thank f*ck I do!
P.s.
I would like a moment to thank all my readers for the words of support regarding my blog. I never expected it to get such a popular reaction. The number of times this blog has been read is deep into the thousands (blogspot lets me check the stats). Thanks to you lot, I have re-found my passion for writing. I stopped writing this blog, then I met with one of my Aussie mates: Bec, who said I need to start writing it again. So thanks for that Bec! I got lazy, but now I’m back on it. Who knows, maybe one day when I finally finish my travels and settle down, I may just write a novel. That has been a secret dream of mine since school; when writing was the only thing I was shit hot at. I will have to hire an editor though, because my commas, semi-colons etc. are all over the shop (as I’m sure you grammar Nazis have noticed!). But until then, I hope you enjoy reading the absolute bullshit I write!
Toda raba. Nitra’e bekarov bitches!
Saturday, 23 July 2011
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
The hot potato of racism and Aussie English.
Right, this blog is starting off on a serious note then I‘ll point out some cultural observations of Australia. Goymer’s going to go political and give my 2 pence on an issue that the Western world has become obsessed with since the end of World War 2: Racism. Racism is arguably the hottest of potatoes. Everyone has a strong view on it and a debate on the matter is guaranteed to spiral out of control. It can make you a worldwide hero (Martin Luther King) or it can destroy your career in a split second (Ron Atkinson). After Europe was almost devoured by the fascist empire of Nazi Germany, the Western world has gone on a crusade to destroy racism…or so we like to think anyway.
Every one of us has a racist inside. I have always had an underlying hatred for Irish people. When Westerners picture a terrorist now, they picture a brown man in a turban strapping himself with explosives. When I was growing up, a terrorist to me was a white man in green combat fatigues, a black balaclava with a thick Irish accent and planting bombs in public bins. There was a lad at my school with Catholic Irish parents, I used to give him such a hard time for being an “IRA cunt”. I’ve since apologised to him and we get on quite well now. But even after this, if I met an Irish man who on the surface it appeared we were getting along well, deep down inside we both know a few pints of beer could bring out our hatred for one another. I suppose it’s because I instantly assumed they hated me, so I hated them back.
Since coming to Australia, I have met plenty of Irish people. Away from our homelands, it seemed easier for us to talk about the history and bloodshed between our nations. It’s opened my eyes up a lot. I’ve finally been able to shake off the shackles imbedded into my young mind whilst growing up in the 90’s. Not all Irish people want us dead…just the Catholic ones. That’s a joke by the way, with racism, you have to make clear you’re joking.
Not in Australia you don’t. Aussies are constantly cracking racist jokes. We crack them in England too, but you have to look over your shoulder to make sure the subject of the joke isn’t around. One of my Aussie work mates was calling the Indian lads a bunch of “curry munchers” and even called them “Pakis”. In England that’s an instant sacking, no questions asked. In Australia, the Indian lads just called him a “Milk bottle c*nt” back. Everyone laughed and we get on with things. In that sense I like Australia. Because countries like England don’t actually get rid of racism by punishing people harshly for using these words, if anything, it makes it worse. The bigger an issue you make racism, the stronger you make it. For example:
John Smith is working at a car factory. John Smith makes a joke about Mr Khan being a terrorist. The boss over hears this and sacks John Smith. John Smith now hates the political correctness and in turn hates Asian people too.
Where as, if John Smith had not cracked this joke to Mr Khan. But waited until he was down the pub with his white friends, then no punishment is given. This is deemed okay. Political correctness only makes things worse. It’s not removing the problem at all. It’s dictating people how to think and talk and in turn is making people angry. Thus making racism worse. It happens behind closed doors, let’s just be more honest and stop trying to sweep it under the carpet.
White American comedian Doug Stanhope puts it best:
“I hate when ethnic minorities tell me I can’t understand racism because I’m white. I tell them I don’t think you can understand racism if you’re NOT white…we hear the shit they say when you leave the room!”. Ain’t that the truth.
Racism is prevalent in every society. England has it’s fair share of mongoloids. As does Australia, but Australian racism baffles me. I can understand people in England being racist, our people have a long connection with the land for thousands of years. The castles and palaces that scatter our countryside were built by our ancestors. This is our land. Whilst not excusing the racism in my home country, I can see where it comes from. I personally have no problem with immigrants racially. I do have a problem that our country is over-populated. 60 million people on such a small island is too much. But I would sooner deport all the so-called white Englishmen who do f*ck all and live on the dole, then moan that foreigners are taking their jobs than a foreigner who move to England for a better life. I’ve worked with plenty of Eastern Europeans, they’re generally decent people who work hard and save money. They’re more than welcome to my country. Just as my Grandmother was 60 years ago when she moved to England from Austria. The demographics in Europe have shifted too fast and it hasn’t worked out too well.
Australia on the other hand is built on immigration. I find it hard for an Aussie with the name David Williams to tell me that these “dirty Asians are taking over, they need to f*ck off to where they came from”. So why doesn’t David Williams f*ck off back to Wales then? Oh that’s right “I was born here, I‘m Aussie not Welsh”. So what happens when Mr and Mrs Chinaman have a child in Australia, will you accept that child as a true Aussie? Will you f*ck. I’m not speaking about all Aussies here…but it is a lot of them. If I have children in this country, then I will give them a slap for speaking ill of immigrants who want to move to Oz for a better life.
How can they complain about someone emigrating here? When that’s how their family came here not that long ago. IT MAKES NO F*CKING SENSE! Just as it makes no sense for the Aussies who complain what bastards the British Empire were. Wait a minute, you mean the same Empire that stole this land for you in the first place? Aussies like to claim all the good in their history as their own, but all the bad history as the Brits. Makes me chuckle. There was a battle in World War 1 called Gallipoli. It was a joint Commonwealth and French operation in Turkey against the Ottoman Empire. It was a complete failure. It’s big in Australian and New Zealand history because it was their first big moment on the international stage as an independent nation. A lot of Aussies are under the impression that the Brits sent the ANZAC’s (Australian New Zealand Army Corps) out into battle to get slaughtered whilst the Brits laid back and watched. I have no doubt the historically inaccurate film starring, a fresh-faced, Mel Gibson has something to do with this. They are genuinely shocked when I tell them that over 20,000 British soldiers died in that battle alongside the ANZACs. More than any of the other allied armies in that battle.
The same that some Aussies believe the ANZAC’s got captured alone by the Japanese in World War 2 because the British abandoned them. Again, they couldn’t be more wrong. They got caught alongside the British. British and ANZAC’s got tortured side-by-side in Japanese POW camps. It really pisses me off when I meet Aussies with these anti-British feelings. Our countrymen died side-by-side. Our nations connection couldn’t of been more obvious as when I went to the ANZAC day parade and all the songs being played, but one (Waltzing Matilda), were British Army songs. I knew every single song being played.
My theory is, Australia sub-consciously feels like they are in our shadow and have something to prove to us. Because they come from us, but we don’t come from them. If not genetically, then culturally. An Aussie in England is treated like a long-lost relative. But when I speak to Aussies here; I sometimes feel like some Aussies are trying to prove to me how different from the English they are. I usually end up embarrassing them and showing them how the apple really doesn‘t fall far from the tree. Example, the ol’ football discussion. Australian’s have their own football. An Aussie colleague once said to me “Yeah, but you can call it footy, cos that’s how we say it in Australia”. I then had to say that we also say it in England too. Then there was just an awkward moment where I actually felt sorry for him and almost felt like saying that we don’t really…but we do.
Same with the Aussie chant “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, OI! OI! OI!”. That comes from the Welsh mines when they would shout “Oggie, Oggie, Oggie, OI! OI! OI!”. The list is endless. Australia has an identity crisis. Because alongside all these UK traits, they have also been Americanised to f*ck. The biggest example of ‘The Great Australian Identity Crisis’. Is the chip dilemma.
In England, we call French-Fries- Chips
In America, they use the word chips for what we call- Crisps.
Australians use the word chips for proper chips. But then proceed to make tits out of themselves and call crisps chips. I ask them how the how can you tell the difference? Apparently they call crisps: ‘Potato chips’. Stop me if I’m wrong…but aren’t proper chips also made out of potatoes?! I really can’t get my head round that one.
They try too hard. We have a lot of informal words in England which we only use in conversation. Not in our newspapers. Aussies will use the word ‘mate’ in the newspaper. I even saw a shop selling baked potatoes as ‘baked spuds’. We use the word spuds too, but not to this extreme. I see what you’re trying to do here…but no. Again, trying too hard to sound cool and different from the English. When really we use those words anyway. But we don’t have to make such a point of the fact we use them that we put them in our formal life. Aussies invented the word “mateship” for “friendship”. It sounds retarded. Stop it. Please. You’re just embarrassing yourself.
So my advice to Australia is, stop being so insecure. You don’t have to try and prove to me how good your country is like a young neglected child who just wants to be loved. I love your country, no more needs to be said or proven. Stop hating on people coming here for a better life just like your ancestors did. Finally, and most importantly, stop using American words!
It’s a pavement not a sidewalk
It’s a shopping centre not a mall
It’s pronounced Project (‘O’ in pot) not Prohject
They’re crisps not chips
And by the way, we say Tomato sauce in England too. That’s not yours, stop trying to claim our words. You can keep doona (Aussie for duvet)…it’s a f*cking awful word. I’m nicking “f*cking oath” though. That phrase more than makes up for all the things I dislike about Aussie English.
P.s. I don’t mean to cause offence when I generalise in my blogs. So if the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t worry about it. Simple. I write this purely as a foreign observer in your country. I can’t write too much about England’s bad points, because I would get too angry and have a stroke whilst doing so.
Every one of us has a racist inside. I have always had an underlying hatred for Irish people. When Westerners picture a terrorist now, they picture a brown man in a turban strapping himself with explosives. When I was growing up, a terrorist to me was a white man in green combat fatigues, a black balaclava with a thick Irish accent and planting bombs in public bins. There was a lad at my school with Catholic Irish parents, I used to give him such a hard time for being an “IRA cunt”. I’ve since apologised to him and we get on quite well now. But even after this, if I met an Irish man who on the surface it appeared we were getting along well, deep down inside we both know a few pints of beer could bring out our hatred for one another. I suppose it’s because I instantly assumed they hated me, so I hated them back.
Since coming to Australia, I have met plenty of Irish people. Away from our homelands, it seemed easier for us to talk about the history and bloodshed between our nations. It’s opened my eyes up a lot. I’ve finally been able to shake off the shackles imbedded into my young mind whilst growing up in the 90’s. Not all Irish people want us dead…just the Catholic ones. That’s a joke by the way, with racism, you have to make clear you’re joking.
Not in Australia you don’t. Aussies are constantly cracking racist jokes. We crack them in England too, but you have to look over your shoulder to make sure the subject of the joke isn’t around. One of my Aussie work mates was calling the Indian lads a bunch of “curry munchers” and even called them “Pakis”. In England that’s an instant sacking, no questions asked. In Australia, the Indian lads just called him a “Milk bottle c*nt” back. Everyone laughed and we get on with things. In that sense I like Australia. Because countries like England don’t actually get rid of racism by punishing people harshly for using these words, if anything, it makes it worse. The bigger an issue you make racism, the stronger you make it. For example:
John Smith is working at a car factory. John Smith makes a joke about Mr Khan being a terrorist. The boss over hears this and sacks John Smith. John Smith now hates the political correctness and in turn hates Asian people too.
Where as, if John Smith had not cracked this joke to Mr Khan. But waited until he was down the pub with his white friends, then no punishment is given. This is deemed okay. Political correctness only makes things worse. It’s not removing the problem at all. It’s dictating people how to think and talk and in turn is making people angry. Thus making racism worse. It happens behind closed doors, let’s just be more honest and stop trying to sweep it under the carpet.
White American comedian Doug Stanhope puts it best:
“I hate when ethnic minorities tell me I can’t understand racism because I’m white. I tell them I don’t think you can understand racism if you’re NOT white…we hear the shit they say when you leave the room!”. Ain’t that the truth.
Racism is prevalent in every society. England has it’s fair share of mongoloids. As does Australia, but Australian racism baffles me. I can understand people in England being racist, our people have a long connection with the land for thousands of years. The castles and palaces that scatter our countryside were built by our ancestors. This is our land. Whilst not excusing the racism in my home country, I can see where it comes from. I personally have no problem with immigrants racially. I do have a problem that our country is over-populated. 60 million people on such a small island is too much. But I would sooner deport all the so-called white Englishmen who do f*ck all and live on the dole, then moan that foreigners are taking their jobs than a foreigner who move to England for a better life. I’ve worked with plenty of Eastern Europeans, they’re generally decent people who work hard and save money. They’re more than welcome to my country. Just as my Grandmother was 60 years ago when she moved to England from Austria. The demographics in Europe have shifted too fast and it hasn’t worked out too well.
Australia on the other hand is built on immigration. I find it hard for an Aussie with the name David Williams to tell me that these “dirty Asians are taking over, they need to f*ck off to where they came from”. So why doesn’t David Williams f*ck off back to Wales then? Oh that’s right “I was born here, I‘m Aussie not Welsh”. So what happens when Mr and Mrs Chinaman have a child in Australia, will you accept that child as a true Aussie? Will you f*ck. I’m not speaking about all Aussies here…but it is a lot of them. If I have children in this country, then I will give them a slap for speaking ill of immigrants who want to move to Oz for a better life.
How can they complain about someone emigrating here? When that’s how their family came here not that long ago. IT MAKES NO F*CKING SENSE! Just as it makes no sense for the Aussies who complain what bastards the British Empire were. Wait a minute, you mean the same Empire that stole this land for you in the first place? Aussies like to claim all the good in their history as their own, but all the bad history as the Brits. Makes me chuckle. There was a battle in World War 1 called Gallipoli. It was a joint Commonwealth and French operation in Turkey against the Ottoman Empire. It was a complete failure. It’s big in Australian and New Zealand history because it was their first big moment on the international stage as an independent nation. A lot of Aussies are under the impression that the Brits sent the ANZAC’s (Australian New Zealand Army Corps) out into battle to get slaughtered whilst the Brits laid back and watched. I have no doubt the historically inaccurate film starring, a fresh-faced, Mel Gibson has something to do with this. They are genuinely shocked when I tell them that over 20,000 British soldiers died in that battle alongside the ANZACs. More than any of the other allied armies in that battle.
The same that some Aussies believe the ANZAC’s got captured alone by the Japanese in World War 2 because the British abandoned them. Again, they couldn’t be more wrong. They got caught alongside the British. British and ANZAC’s got tortured side-by-side in Japanese POW camps. It really pisses me off when I meet Aussies with these anti-British feelings. Our countrymen died side-by-side. Our nations connection couldn’t of been more obvious as when I went to the ANZAC day parade and all the songs being played, but one (Waltzing Matilda), were British Army songs. I knew every single song being played.
My theory is, Australia sub-consciously feels like they are in our shadow and have something to prove to us. Because they come from us, but we don’t come from them. If not genetically, then culturally. An Aussie in England is treated like a long-lost relative. But when I speak to Aussies here; I sometimes feel like some Aussies are trying to prove to me how different from the English they are. I usually end up embarrassing them and showing them how the apple really doesn‘t fall far from the tree. Example, the ol’ football discussion. Australian’s have their own football. An Aussie colleague once said to me “Yeah, but you can call it footy, cos that’s how we say it in Australia”. I then had to say that we also say it in England too. Then there was just an awkward moment where I actually felt sorry for him and almost felt like saying that we don’t really…but we do.
Same with the Aussie chant “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, OI! OI! OI!”. That comes from the Welsh mines when they would shout “Oggie, Oggie, Oggie, OI! OI! OI!”. The list is endless. Australia has an identity crisis. Because alongside all these UK traits, they have also been Americanised to f*ck. The biggest example of ‘The Great Australian Identity Crisis’. Is the chip dilemma.
In England, we call French-Fries- Chips
In America, they use the word chips for what we call- Crisps.
Australians use the word chips for proper chips. But then proceed to make tits out of themselves and call crisps chips. I ask them how the how can you tell the difference? Apparently they call crisps: ‘Potato chips’. Stop me if I’m wrong…but aren’t proper chips also made out of potatoes?! I really can’t get my head round that one.
They try too hard. We have a lot of informal words in England which we only use in conversation. Not in our newspapers. Aussies will use the word ‘mate’ in the newspaper. I even saw a shop selling baked potatoes as ‘baked spuds’. We use the word spuds too, but not to this extreme. I see what you’re trying to do here…but no. Again, trying too hard to sound cool and different from the English. When really we use those words anyway. But we don’t have to make such a point of the fact we use them that we put them in our formal life. Aussies invented the word “mateship” for “friendship”. It sounds retarded. Stop it. Please. You’re just embarrassing yourself.
So my advice to Australia is, stop being so insecure. You don’t have to try and prove to me how good your country is like a young neglected child who just wants to be loved. I love your country, no more needs to be said or proven. Stop hating on people coming here for a better life just like your ancestors did. Finally, and most importantly, stop using American words!
It’s a pavement not a sidewalk
It’s a shopping centre not a mall
It’s pronounced Project (‘O’ in pot) not Prohject
They’re crisps not chips
And by the way, we say Tomato sauce in England too. That’s not yours, stop trying to claim our words. You can keep doona (Aussie for duvet)…it’s a f*cking awful word. I’m nicking “f*cking oath” though. That phrase more than makes up for all the things I dislike about Aussie English.
P.s. I don’t mean to cause offence when I generalise in my blogs. So if the shoe doesn’t fit, don’t worry about it. Simple. I write this purely as a foreign observer in your country. I can’t write too much about England’s bad points, because I would get too angry and have a stroke whilst doing so.
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Inbred Aussies and a black eye.
Mum, excuse my French in this blog, but I’m not best pleased. I got f*cking sparked last night. I saw it coming from the moment I set foot in this shit hole. I’ve been living in a city for 3 months and felt no threat walking the streets at 2am. Here it’s different. I knew something was going to kick off here and I was going to be at the centre of it. I get a Wickerman feeling about this place. The locals can smell my unincestual blood, they know I’m not from round here. The girls love it, the guys feel threatened by it. Even when I’m just standing at the traffic lights, everyone in the cars driving by stare at me like I’ve got four arms and a penis for a head. I’m in f*cking hill billy land.
I haven’t been in a fight for 4 years. I’d much rather spend my night drinking, laughing and trying to score with the opposite sex than get in a ruck. Some people don’t feel this way. Let me go back to the beginning…
After spending all Saturday daytime standing in a field pulling vines off a wire, I feel that I deserve a beer or ten. This is the general feeling in camp, so everyone stocks up on booze and gets ready for the night. Standard. So once you’ve bought the drinks, the next step from there is to drink them. I drink, he drinks, she drinks, we all drink. Everyone is happy, we have downing competitions and rip each other for our different accents. I’ll later find out that my accent is no laughing matter according to some redneck, incest f*cks.
Mildura has a population of 30,000 and is located in the arsehole of nowhere. The closest city is a 6 hour drive away, it’s a long, long way from civilisation. The people here like to fornicate with their siblings and start fights with people born with ten toes. As you can imagine, the nightlife here is not exactly summertime Ibiza. But after sinking many beers, it seems the best thing to do is go to town and flirt with the local wildlife. To be fair, the pub wasn’t too bad. It had a good selection of alcohol and there was a bit of totty on the dance floor. Sorted. I sink a few more pints, have a boogy on the dance floor, charm the local slags with good looks and wit and crack a few jokes with my mates. I recall one not-so-good -looking bird saying to me “You’re not from round here are you?”. But the way she said it, was weird, it was like the way that us civilised folk joke about hill billys saying this. Even in Cornwall I never got this shit.
Anywho, the night goes from good to weird when I go to the toilet. There’s a load of lads in there who also like to point out the fact I’m “not from round here”. Then three girls walk into the men’s toilet and all walk into a cubicle together, I jokingly say:
“What’s that all about?!”
Then hilly billy number one says:
HB1: “You’re in f*cking Austraya now mate. This is how we do things here, if you don’t like it then you can f*ck off”
Me: “Alright mate chill out, I don’t give a f*cking shit. I’m literally just having a piss, no need to be a weirdo about it.”
Then your token ‘Aussie with an English mother” steps in and chills everything out because he has a soft spot for English people. So I leave the bog and go back to drinking. Let me tell you what I know about some Aussies, they’re insecure f*ckers. They’re so ‘proud’ of their country, but they want you, as a foreigner, to tell them how great it is. Like your girlfriend wants you to compliment her on how beautiful she looks today. They need you to tell them how great their country is. I almost feel cornered into bigging Australia up more than I actually like it; just in case they go mental and put a glass in my face. If you know how great your country is, then you don’t need to do a song and dance about it. Because it’s just common knowledge to you, like the sun sets and rises everyday, your country is great. But these redneck f*ckers are like “Aw yeah, it’s the best country in the f*cking world.”. Considering they have probably never been 10 minutes away from their town, I find it hard for them to make this statement. But I’m a foreigner in their territory, so I keep schtum.
It’s about 1am and I’m pretty smashed by now. So smashed I throw up in the toilet. No drama, that just means more room for more alcohol. I go back the bar and resume normal business. I buy a pint, turn around and my mate Andy is there, we crack a few jokes, comment on how weird the locals are etc. Then out of the blue two c*nts start shoving us, I don’t even know what the geezer pushing me is saying, I’m pretty f*cking hammered and have just yacked my guts up. Andy reckons he was saying something about his girlfriend. I had spoken to a few birds that night, obviously word had spread amongst the inbred, mongrel grape vine that some pommy bastard was trying to steal their girls. The shoving turns into a scuffle; I miss my footing and fall on the floor, I get kicked out and feel like a dickhead for falling over.
I go round the corner of the pub and say to the bouncer “Get that fucking prick out here now so I can smash the cunt up!”. One of the lads comes out and starts babbling some bollocks, I don’t even know what he’s saying. I already know what’s going to happen. I introduce his nose to my forehead and it bursts open like a water balloon and he hit’s the deck. Boom. I’ve won, I’m the f*cking man. The bouncers say I seriously need to go, so I start to make my way home with a victorious spring in my step. Then I hear this running noise behind me, I turn around, BANG! The cunt catches me right in the left eye with a running punch and I go down like a sack of shit, then two lads proceed to boot me in the ribs. Luckily the bouncers get them off me, otherwise it could of got REALLY fucked up. It’s kicking people on the floor that get you manslaughter charges.
I went from hero to a nobhead on the floor with a swollen eye in a matter of seconds. Fair play to the old boy for the punch, it was a f*cking beaut. I’ve got a right shiner today and my ribs hurt when I laugh. After it was over, the bouncer warns us that the police are on their way. Mildura police aren’t exactly the straightest of coppers. They’re on mafia pay roll (so I’ve heard) and I can’t imagine they look at foreigners scrapping with locals favourably. Bouncer asks if we want to press charges, both of us agree we don’t want that. Then the rozzers turn up and the bouncer explains that we’ve been scrapping but neither want to press charges. The copper says “Well this is a waste of time ain’t it”. And drives off. For once I’m happy a copper wasn’t doing his job properly, I really couldn’t be arsed with spending the night in a cell. The bouncer warned me that I need to go home and watch out because the man is probably calling his mates to get me now. I can barely see out my left eye, I didn’t fancy losing the right one too. My phone was dead so I couldn’t ring anyone and I didn’t want to stick around in case the coward brings 20 of his mates to shoe me in. The walk home was a paranoid one.
I wondered why I was alone and none of my mates came out to help. I later learnt that whilst I had this mini-drama outside, there was a massive rumble erupting inside. We will never know why this fight started. I’m pretty sure it’s down to isolated, inbred retards being threatened by funny and extremely good-looking Englishmen flirting with their women. I’m going to address the hypocrisy of Aussie racism in my next blog. The last thing I want in Australia is to fight, because it’s shit like this that can get me deported. I’m not letting this taint my view of Australia or the good people of Australia, we get muppets like this in England too. Just a couple of inbred rotten apples. I’m hungover, aching all over, my head is f*cking killing me from where it hit the concrete. I don’t know if I can work tomorrow because my ribs are f*cked, pulling vines is the last thing they need. All I need is a proper Full English Breakfast and a massive wank. But to do either of those is too painful for me now. Fuck Mildura.
I haven’t been in a fight for 4 years. I’d much rather spend my night drinking, laughing and trying to score with the opposite sex than get in a ruck. Some people don’t feel this way. Let me go back to the beginning…
After spending all Saturday daytime standing in a field pulling vines off a wire, I feel that I deserve a beer or ten. This is the general feeling in camp, so everyone stocks up on booze and gets ready for the night. Standard. So once you’ve bought the drinks, the next step from there is to drink them. I drink, he drinks, she drinks, we all drink. Everyone is happy, we have downing competitions and rip each other for our different accents. I’ll later find out that my accent is no laughing matter according to some redneck, incest f*cks.
Mildura has a population of 30,000 and is located in the arsehole of nowhere. The closest city is a 6 hour drive away, it’s a long, long way from civilisation. The people here like to fornicate with their siblings and start fights with people born with ten toes. As you can imagine, the nightlife here is not exactly summertime Ibiza. But after sinking many beers, it seems the best thing to do is go to town and flirt with the local wildlife. To be fair, the pub wasn’t too bad. It had a good selection of alcohol and there was a bit of totty on the dance floor. Sorted. I sink a few more pints, have a boogy on the dance floor, charm the local slags with good looks and wit and crack a few jokes with my mates. I recall one not-so-good -looking bird saying to me “You’re not from round here are you?”. But the way she said it, was weird, it was like the way that us civilised folk joke about hill billys saying this. Even in Cornwall I never got this shit.
Anywho, the night goes from good to weird when I go to the toilet. There’s a load of lads in there who also like to point out the fact I’m “not from round here”. Then three girls walk into the men’s toilet and all walk into a cubicle together, I jokingly say:
“What’s that all about?!”
Then hilly billy number one says:
HB1: “You’re in f*cking Austraya now mate. This is how we do things here, if you don’t like it then you can f*ck off”
Me: “Alright mate chill out, I don’t give a f*cking shit. I’m literally just having a piss, no need to be a weirdo about it.”
Then your token ‘Aussie with an English mother” steps in and chills everything out because he has a soft spot for English people. So I leave the bog and go back to drinking. Let me tell you what I know about some Aussies, they’re insecure f*ckers. They’re so ‘proud’ of their country, but they want you, as a foreigner, to tell them how great it is. Like your girlfriend wants you to compliment her on how beautiful she looks today. They need you to tell them how great their country is. I almost feel cornered into bigging Australia up more than I actually like it; just in case they go mental and put a glass in my face. If you know how great your country is, then you don’t need to do a song and dance about it. Because it’s just common knowledge to you, like the sun sets and rises everyday, your country is great. But these redneck f*ckers are like “Aw yeah, it’s the best country in the f*cking world.”. Considering they have probably never been 10 minutes away from their town, I find it hard for them to make this statement. But I’m a foreigner in their territory, so I keep schtum.
It’s about 1am and I’m pretty smashed by now. So smashed I throw up in the toilet. No drama, that just means more room for more alcohol. I go back the bar and resume normal business. I buy a pint, turn around and my mate Andy is there, we crack a few jokes, comment on how weird the locals are etc. Then out of the blue two c*nts start shoving us, I don’t even know what the geezer pushing me is saying, I’m pretty f*cking hammered and have just yacked my guts up. Andy reckons he was saying something about his girlfriend. I had spoken to a few birds that night, obviously word had spread amongst the inbred, mongrel grape vine that some pommy bastard was trying to steal their girls. The shoving turns into a scuffle; I miss my footing and fall on the floor, I get kicked out and feel like a dickhead for falling over.
I go round the corner of the pub and say to the bouncer “Get that fucking prick out here now so I can smash the cunt up!”. One of the lads comes out and starts babbling some bollocks, I don’t even know what he’s saying. I already know what’s going to happen. I introduce his nose to my forehead and it bursts open like a water balloon and he hit’s the deck. Boom. I’ve won, I’m the f*cking man. The bouncers say I seriously need to go, so I start to make my way home with a victorious spring in my step. Then I hear this running noise behind me, I turn around, BANG! The cunt catches me right in the left eye with a running punch and I go down like a sack of shit, then two lads proceed to boot me in the ribs. Luckily the bouncers get them off me, otherwise it could of got REALLY fucked up. It’s kicking people on the floor that get you manslaughter charges.
I went from hero to a nobhead on the floor with a swollen eye in a matter of seconds. Fair play to the old boy for the punch, it was a f*cking beaut. I’ve got a right shiner today and my ribs hurt when I laugh. After it was over, the bouncer warns us that the police are on their way. Mildura police aren’t exactly the straightest of coppers. They’re on mafia pay roll (so I’ve heard) and I can’t imagine they look at foreigners scrapping with locals favourably. Bouncer asks if we want to press charges, both of us agree we don’t want that. Then the rozzers turn up and the bouncer explains that we’ve been scrapping but neither want to press charges. The copper says “Well this is a waste of time ain’t it”. And drives off. For once I’m happy a copper wasn’t doing his job properly, I really couldn’t be arsed with spending the night in a cell. The bouncer warned me that I need to go home and watch out because the man is probably calling his mates to get me now. I can barely see out my left eye, I didn’t fancy losing the right one too. My phone was dead so I couldn’t ring anyone and I didn’t want to stick around in case the coward brings 20 of his mates to shoe me in. The walk home was a paranoid one.
I wondered why I was alone and none of my mates came out to help. I later learnt that whilst I had this mini-drama outside, there was a massive rumble erupting inside. We will never know why this fight started. I’m pretty sure it’s down to isolated, inbred retards being threatened by funny and extremely good-looking Englishmen flirting with their women. I’m going to address the hypocrisy of Aussie racism in my next blog. The last thing I want in Australia is to fight, because it’s shit like this that can get me deported. I’m not letting this taint my view of Australia or the good people of Australia, we get muppets like this in England too. Just a couple of inbred rotten apples. I’m hungover, aching all over, my head is f*cking killing me from where it hit the concrete. I don’t know if I can work tomorrow because my ribs are f*cked, pulling vines is the last thing they need. All I need is a proper Full English Breakfast and a massive wank. But to do either of those is too painful for me now. Fuck Mildura.
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
A long overdue update and an appreciation of Australian girls.
Good morning, afternoon and evening everyone. Just thought I’d cover all the time zones reading this, as I’ve got a lot of arse kissing to do. It’s been over THREE MONTHS since my last entry. That ain’t on at all. I don’t know why I stopped writing, because so much stuff has happened. Either I forgot how to write, or my reintroduction to weed made me lazy. I think that answers itself. I can’t write out story-for-story what has happened in the last 3 months. So I’ll speedily bring you up to date.
Last time I wrote, I was monging about in a Melbourne hostel without a penny to my name. Long story short, I found a job, worked hard(ish), got paid, spent money on booze and food, met loads of people, got wasted and made a dick out of myself, bla bla. The usual stuff. Now I’m in the arsehole of nowhere in a town called Mildura. I have to be here so I can work towards a 2nd year on my visa. Which requires 3 months of fruit picking. I was dreading coming here, I had become addicted to Melbourne. I had initially planned to be there 2 weeks but I ended up being there for 3 months; oops. So going from the amazing city of Melbourne where a hot girl is only seconds away to a town which is in more bush than a 70’s porn stars genitalia; really wasn’t faring too well with me. I was expecting tumble weed and toothless simpletons. But I have been proven wrong; there isn’t a tumble weed in sight!
I’m living in a working hostel, which is a hostel that finds me work in the local area. I’ve landed on my feet here, the work is horse shit, but the people are sound as f*ck. Most of us here are English. As much as I love travelling and meeting foreign people, it’s nice to be around your own sometimes. These aren’t the gap year student types who Mummy and Daddy are paying for on their credit card. I’m with the type of English people who can talk about footy and actually know what they’re on about. The type who turn every word in the English language into a football chant when wasted. The type who shout “WHEEEEEY!” when someone falls over or drops their beer. The type who don’t get all whiney and defensive if you take the piss, instead they just take the piss back with something wittier and harsher. I never felt so much at home as the moment on Saturday night, when I was slouched on the setee, beer in one hand, spliff in the other, mid-way through ripping one of the Yorkshire lads for being a dirty coal miner, a Scouser pokes his head round the corner and says “Oi lads, John’s fallen asleep…let’s bundle him!”. Instantly all the Englishmen’s faces light up. We know the drill. No questions asked. I haven’t been involved in a bundle since I was 16 years old, but it’s just like riding a bike, you never forget. Only the English lads get up, no-one else knows what’s going on. They’re all confused as to why we’ve all just upped and left. We follow the Scouse to John’s room, we bang the door open SAS at the Iranian Embassy style. Minus the explosives of course, but we do execute the bundles with SAS swiftness and precision.
“BUUUUNDLLLLEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” echoes the famous playground war cry across the battleground. Before the victim even knows what’s going on, he has the weight of eight fully grown men pushing down on top of him. Being at the bottom of a bundle is about as enjoyable as eating a bowl of urine soaked sand for breakfast. You literally feel like you could die if they push down on your lungs enough. So why am I writing about bundles? Because, it was only that moment that, I remembered how fun it is to be English. Europeans all see us as loud, uncultured aggressive idiots. They couldn’t be more right. Look back in the day, when Europe was making beautiful music and art with the likes of Picasso and Mozart. What was England doing? I can picture it now.
Random hairy European: “You hear this music I make? It is beautiful, it is like thousand angels have orgasm in ear. So, tell me Englishman, what is your culture? You have beautiful song to show me? Or maybe a poem expressing your love to the woman you love?”
English nobleman: “Er…not quite… you see that fox there? I’ve got some dogs here, watch me release them and tear the fox to shit…who fancies a cup of Bovril?”
I wouldn’t want to be any other way.
So, back to Australia. My love for this country has only strengthened since I last wrote to you all. The quality of life here is unreal. I was making $20 an hour for my last job, which works out about £16, I was packing clothes into boxes and playing cricket with a ball made from tape. It’s sad to think that I get paid more than someone with a decent profession in England. Everything is more expensive than England, yes. But when your on Aussie wages, it works out a lot better. If I earn $20 an hour and pay $6-7 for a pint of lager, that’s less than half my wage. If I’m on £6 an hour in England, then it’s rare to find a pint of lager less than £3. The quality of life is just too good here, I would be mental not to consider staying here forever. England is in a bad way, all I read in the news is doom and gloom. Unemployment is sky high, the NHS is burning to the ground, David Cameron has been a complete let down who U-turns the moment someone disagrees with his decision, kids are taking drugs from as young as 13, the schools don’t teach the children anything about English history. I will sum up the state of modern day England. We are not allowed to be taught the National Anthem at school. We are the ONLY country in the world who do this. I need to stop writing about England, my blood is boiling. I’ve had some great discussions with the English lads here. We all agree, England is the best country in the world. To be born English is to win the lottery of life. But shit, she is sick right now. So sick it breaks my heart. Australia is not without it’s flaws, but it’s got a lot more going for it than England has. Australia, society-wise, is like what England used to be.
Speaking of Australian society, I need a moment to comment on Australian girls. I am pretty sure that they’re my new favourite (it changes weekly). Aussie girls are funny as f*ck. That’s the biggest compliment I can pay to any girl EVER. I can talk to an Aussie girl without my cheeks hurting from fake smiling and laughing so much. They’re just so down to earth. If an English girl talks to me about some random guy she had sex with at the weekend who had a massive cock, I would be thinking “You really do talk like a slag, tone it down love” in my head. Yet, when an Aussie girl talks about it, I don’t think like this. If I had a penny for the amount of times an English girl will speak of a one night stand and then turn around and call a girl a slag for doing the exact same thing. Aussie girls are more genuine and comfortable with who they are. Don’t get me wrong, you get the stuck up slags who look at you like a furry, dog turd if you’re not wearing a $10000 rolex watch. But the sound ones are SOUND…and fit as f*ck. They’re funny, smart, aren’t shy of watching sport and I’ve even had discussions with some about my intellectual porn; history. They were fit too! Aussie girls definitely make my penis feel funny. God bless you Australian girls. Salt of the earth.
So, my plan for now is to work towards my 2nd visa for a bit, then who knows. I need to see a bit more of Oz, I may go to Korea for a month in September, I have to see an Oriental country. I will probably go back to Melbourne after a while though. If I settle down here, I will live in Melbourne. Standard.
That’s enough for now, I will write more of my analysis of Australia soon (they can't cook a fry-up for shit) and I’ll write some stories next time. Ciao for now niggas.
Last time I wrote, I was monging about in a Melbourne hostel without a penny to my name. Long story short, I found a job, worked hard(ish), got paid, spent money on booze and food, met loads of people, got wasted and made a dick out of myself, bla bla. The usual stuff. Now I’m in the arsehole of nowhere in a town called Mildura. I have to be here so I can work towards a 2nd year on my visa. Which requires 3 months of fruit picking. I was dreading coming here, I had become addicted to Melbourne. I had initially planned to be there 2 weeks but I ended up being there for 3 months; oops. So going from the amazing city of Melbourne where a hot girl is only seconds away to a town which is in more bush than a 70’s porn stars genitalia; really wasn’t faring too well with me. I was expecting tumble weed and toothless simpletons. But I have been proven wrong; there isn’t a tumble weed in sight!
I’m living in a working hostel, which is a hostel that finds me work in the local area. I’ve landed on my feet here, the work is horse shit, but the people are sound as f*ck. Most of us here are English. As much as I love travelling and meeting foreign people, it’s nice to be around your own sometimes. These aren’t the gap year student types who Mummy and Daddy are paying for on their credit card. I’m with the type of English people who can talk about footy and actually know what they’re on about. The type who turn every word in the English language into a football chant when wasted. The type who shout “WHEEEEEY!” when someone falls over or drops their beer. The type who don’t get all whiney and defensive if you take the piss, instead they just take the piss back with something wittier and harsher. I never felt so much at home as the moment on Saturday night, when I was slouched on the setee, beer in one hand, spliff in the other, mid-way through ripping one of the Yorkshire lads for being a dirty coal miner, a Scouser pokes his head round the corner and says “Oi lads, John’s fallen asleep…let’s bundle him!”. Instantly all the Englishmen’s faces light up. We know the drill. No questions asked. I haven’t been involved in a bundle since I was 16 years old, but it’s just like riding a bike, you never forget. Only the English lads get up, no-one else knows what’s going on. They’re all confused as to why we’ve all just upped and left. We follow the Scouse to John’s room, we bang the door open SAS at the Iranian Embassy style. Minus the explosives of course, but we do execute the bundles with SAS swiftness and precision.
“BUUUUNDLLLLEEEEEEEES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” echoes the famous playground war cry across the battleground. Before the victim even knows what’s going on, he has the weight of eight fully grown men pushing down on top of him. Being at the bottom of a bundle is about as enjoyable as eating a bowl of urine soaked sand for breakfast. You literally feel like you could die if they push down on your lungs enough. So why am I writing about bundles? Because, it was only that moment that, I remembered how fun it is to be English. Europeans all see us as loud, uncultured aggressive idiots. They couldn’t be more right. Look back in the day, when Europe was making beautiful music and art with the likes of Picasso and Mozart. What was England doing? I can picture it now.
Random hairy European: “You hear this music I make? It is beautiful, it is like thousand angels have orgasm in ear. So, tell me Englishman, what is your culture? You have beautiful song to show me? Or maybe a poem expressing your love to the woman you love?”
English nobleman: “Er…not quite… you see that fox there? I’ve got some dogs here, watch me release them and tear the fox to shit…who fancies a cup of Bovril?”
I wouldn’t want to be any other way.
So, back to Australia. My love for this country has only strengthened since I last wrote to you all. The quality of life here is unreal. I was making $20 an hour for my last job, which works out about £16, I was packing clothes into boxes and playing cricket with a ball made from tape. It’s sad to think that I get paid more than someone with a decent profession in England. Everything is more expensive than England, yes. But when your on Aussie wages, it works out a lot better. If I earn $20 an hour and pay $6-7 for a pint of lager, that’s less than half my wage. If I’m on £6 an hour in England, then it’s rare to find a pint of lager less than £3. The quality of life is just too good here, I would be mental not to consider staying here forever. England is in a bad way, all I read in the news is doom and gloom. Unemployment is sky high, the NHS is burning to the ground, David Cameron has been a complete let down who U-turns the moment someone disagrees with his decision, kids are taking drugs from as young as 13, the schools don’t teach the children anything about English history. I will sum up the state of modern day England. We are not allowed to be taught the National Anthem at school. We are the ONLY country in the world who do this. I need to stop writing about England, my blood is boiling. I’ve had some great discussions with the English lads here. We all agree, England is the best country in the world. To be born English is to win the lottery of life. But shit, she is sick right now. So sick it breaks my heart. Australia is not without it’s flaws, but it’s got a lot more going for it than England has. Australia, society-wise, is like what England used to be.
Speaking of Australian society, I need a moment to comment on Australian girls. I am pretty sure that they’re my new favourite (it changes weekly). Aussie girls are funny as f*ck. That’s the biggest compliment I can pay to any girl EVER. I can talk to an Aussie girl without my cheeks hurting from fake smiling and laughing so much. They’re just so down to earth. If an English girl talks to me about some random guy she had sex with at the weekend who had a massive cock, I would be thinking “You really do talk like a slag, tone it down love” in my head. Yet, when an Aussie girl talks about it, I don’t think like this. If I had a penny for the amount of times an English girl will speak of a one night stand and then turn around and call a girl a slag for doing the exact same thing. Aussie girls are more genuine and comfortable with who they are. Don’t get me wrong, you get the stuck up slags who look at you like a furry, dog turd if you’re not wearing a $10000 rolex watch. But the sound ones are SOUND…and fit as f*ck. They’re funny, smart, aren’t shy of watching sport and I’ve even had discussions with some about my intellectual porn; history. They were fit too! Aussie girls definitely make my penis feel funny. God bless you Australian girls. Salt of the earth.
So, my plan for now is to work towards my 2nd visa for a bit, then who knows. I need to see a bit more of Oz, I may go to Korea for a month in September, I have to see an Oriental country. I will probably go back to Melbourne after a while though. If I settle down here, I will live in Melbourne. Standard.
That’s enough for now, I will write more of my analysis of Australia soon (they can't cook a fry-up for shit) and I’ll write some stories next time. Ciao for now niggas.
Friday, 1 April 2011
Melbourne, Special Salesmen and a sick bastard named Paddy
Right then Ladies and Gents; it’s that time of the month again. So ladies; turn off Desperate Housewives (or any of the other generic show with EXTREMELY fit but equally boring birds in it) and gents; put the hand lotion and tissues away. It’s been over 3 weeks since I last wrote to you all. The last time we spoke, I was having my tonsils devoured by a confused lesbian and I was just about to start my sales job in Brisbane. I’m sure I mentioned before the unpredictability of travelling. Because I have no job and nor am I in Brisbane. So please remain seated, turn your mobile phones off and I shall explain all…
Brisbane is a dull city. I was told how great it is by some Aussies, but I was still not enjoying myself. My hostel was full of gimps, the city is rank and the river makes the Thames look like somewhere in the Caribbean. Anywho, as all was looking up and I was going to start this new job, I received a phone call from my good friend Paddy. Paddy comes from Yorkshire and moved to Australia after the evil wench Margaret Thatcher closed down his coal mine and sent all his children to work on sugar plantations in Virginia. I met Paddy back in England whilst working in the pub. He’s a sick bastard, who drinks too much, has a disgusting sense of humour and is an all round ‘orrible bastard. Basically, he’s my sort of guy.
After much catching up and exchanging tales. He tells me of this mystical land where the buildings aren’t all tacky post 1950 builds and to go 10 seconds without seeing a hot girl is unheard of. Like a wide-eyed child fixated on his Grandad’s war stories, I asked him more and more about this place. He tells me this place is called; Melbourne.
After much drinking and a poor show of girls, I tell Paddy I’m f*cking my job off and I’m going to Melbourne with him. So me being as spontaneous as ever, books the flight and pisses the company off in the process. But after the time I’ve had in Melbourne, I really couldn’t give a toss. The flight was cheap and only took a couple of hours. No drama. We both got off the plane, onto the shuttle bus and instantly I loved Melbourne already. The bus wasn’t even IN Melbourne yet, but Melbourne was in the bus. And by that I mean the bus was crammed with stunning Melbourne girls. Me and Paddy made sure to speak extra loud to each other so they could all hear our accent. Works a treat every time.
This is what had annoyed me so far in Australia. In Israel I could make a thousand heads turn towards me when I spoke. Purely because they rarely met English people. But the backpacking scene in Oz is crammed avec Anglais. So the accent has lost it’s novelty to most the backpackers. This is when Paddy let me in on a little secret. The best thing to do is, is not to go out in the clubs in the centre where all the backpackers are. He took me to some random suburb in a shitty small club that you would have to pay me to go to in England. But it was paradise for an Englishmen. We strutted around that place like Gods. Literally all we had to do was go up to a girl and ask “’scuse me luv. Do ya know where’s good tonight?”
Instantly they say:
“OMG! Where are you from?!!?!”. The rest is history. This is what travelling for a single, handsome, witty and funny Englishman should be about.
But enough about my sleaze trips for now. Let me tell you about the city itself. I have been far from impressed by Aussie cities. Coming from a country with cities like London, Manchester, Portsmouth etc. I have been spoilt. We as English people are spoilt with these. Sure they have their rough areas where you will be greeted with a knife to the face if you don’t hand over your bus ticket to hooded youth. But the centre of these cities are always decorated with beautiful, old buildings that are full of character. Aussie cities are boring as. If you see one street, you’ve seen it all. Well not Melbourne. Melbourne has maintained a lot of it’s original beauty.
The buildings here scream out the Empires glory. It literally gives me a hard on. The general vibe here is very laid back too. Sydney was hectic, Brisbane was depressing, but Melbourne has that happy feel to it that everything is going to be alright. I don’t know if the hot girl every half a second has anything to do with this. It certainly helps!
The nightlife is great too. There are some dodgy places though. Me and Paddy ended up somewhere full of Somalians who were openly selling cocaine in the club. No-one gave a shit. I was having a cigarette and was talking to one of them, he was telling me if anyone f*cks with them then they will all group together and attack (typical skinnies). When I returned inside, Paddy was naively chatting up this surprisingly fit Somalian bird. She was loving it. But I had to run over and burst his bubble when I pointed out the 10 pirates eyeing him up like an unguarded trade ship. Thanks to me, we both left the club stab-free that night.
So if any of you visit Australia, you MUST go to Melbourne. Sydney is overrated. If I decide to stay here in Australia, then Melbourne is, without a shadow of a doubt, the place that I will live in. Not all is perfect though. There’s a lot of crazy, trampy drug addicts in the city centre. They are constantly in your face asking for money. We have tramps in English cities too, but no way near as compressed into one place as they are here. I suppose it maybe because English major cities are big and spread out, so they can hustle for money in different areas. Here in Aus they all cram into the CBD (Central business district, f*cking Yank talk!). But I can cope with this. What I am about to comment on next is the REAL issue that pisses me off.
Australia is a great country with arguably the friendliest people in the world. So here’s what I don’t understand. In England and Australia, we have something called “The Big Issue”. This is a magazine that tramps sell on the street to make an honest buck or 2. In England, this is only restricted to tramps. In Australia, you have mentally disabled people who are parked up on the street corner and given a load to sell. Some of them don’t even have Big Issues, just a sign saying give me money. WHAT THE FUCK! How third world is that?! I am Socialisms biggest critic, but at this time, I will say this is bollocks. It literally made my blood boil seeing this. By mentally disabled, I mean the types who will not leave one window unlicked. The type we see in England being driven round in a blue mini bus eating their own shoulders. Because in these blue mini bus’ they’re being taken out by carers to the park or something. Not stuck on a street corner in the burning sun to beg for money all day. It is sick. Sort it out Australia, a country with your economy can definitely afford to look after these poor bastards.
Rant over. I have fallen in love with this country. The backpacking scene is sh*t. For me it is anyway, all the English people I meet are posh wankers who are on an adventure paid for by Mummy and Daddy and then their going to go back to England to study Art and waste the taxpayers money. I meet these people everyday and it makes me physically ill. They all hated me and Paddy here. We were in a backpackers club full of up themselves English girls; who the guys were all over. Me and Paddy took another approach and spoke to these two cute Japanese girls instead. All the English girls were giving us the dirtiest looks ever. One of them came over and was desperate for us to dance with her. I bluntly told her to leave me alone and Paddy told her to go and shave her armpits. Priceless.
So what I recommend doing is, is getting to know Aussies. Aussies are pretty much English, without the negative parts. Sure you get your dickhead ones, but what country doesn’t? I judge people A LOT on their sense of humour. Aussies are just as brutal and love to take the piss as us English do. I went to my first Aussie BBQ the other night. It was unreal. If we have a BBQ in England, we just stick the meat on, cook it until it’s done, eat it, then piss off indoors and watch shit Saturday night TV. When I went to a BBQ here, the food lasted for about 5-6 hours. And f*ck me they know how to cook it. I wish I could tell you more about the night, but the combination of a stupid amount of beers and potent bud has disabled me from being about to do so.
If you ask an Aussie for directions, they will draw you out a map. If you ask an Englishman, he will tell you he doesn’t know, go down the road and ask someone else (I am guilty of this haha). England, for me, is better in many ways. Mainly because it’s my home. But the Australian people are what would make me consider staying here (plus the ridiculously high wages!). I have a huge decision to make by February next year. Stay here, continue travelling or go home and start my dream career. I can’t tell you what the latter is right now. But I’m not going to stress about it. I’ve yet to make a bad decision in my life. So I’m confident what ever I do next year will be equally as awesome as the one before it. Which is pretty damn awesome! Can I just say, Mitchell Burton, I know your reading this. It’s because of you I use the word awesome. You wanker! You don’t understand how much I hated this gay American word before Israel haha. Now it’s all I bloody say!
So my next move is, stay in Melbourne, get work, save money. I want to do labouring work, in order to do so I need something called a white card. My course isn’t until next Friday, which is a massive bollock ache as my cash is loooow. I’m literally going to have a week ahead of monging around at the hostel with me and my left hand. Good times.
Going back to my accent quickly. As much as it is an advantage. It is also a disadvantage. People say my accent is quite aggressive, which I suppose it is. People from my hometown, reading this, will have no idea what I’m on about. Because to us it’s normal. I’ve been told plenty of times out here and in other areas in England, where the accent is different. to ‘calm down’ when I’m not even pissed off. Does my head in! Even then, if I said “does my head in!” in my loud accent, people would think I’m angry haha. So some Aussie lads will wanna try and start a fight because they think I’m trying to act like bertie big bollocks…which I am :p But I’m not looking for a ruck. Mugs.
I will also stick my neck on the line and make the bold statement that Englishmen are BY FAR bigger pissheads than Australians. Aussies love a piss-up, but they can’t do a marathon like we can. I put this down to the fact that booze is A LOT cheaper in England. So we go ape-shit. It’s such an issue in our country the Government have no idea what to do. I was in Sydney on a Friday night. At 4-5am the club was empty, apart from 6 people. All of us English, we still wanted more. I think the heavy weight title is ours. The Irish are overrated.
There’s so much more I wanted to write, but when it comes to it, it all clogs my brain up and I leave a lot out. I’m sure I’ve kept you long enough anyway. Thanks for reading. It’s good to know people enjoy this. I literally would not write anything if you didn’t all keep nagging me. So thanks a lot. Over and out.
Brisbane is a dull city. I was told how great it is by some Aussies, but I was still not enjoying myself. My hostel was full of gimps, the city is rank and the river makes the Thames look like somewhere in the Caribbean. Anywho, as all was looking up and I was going to start this new job, I received a phone call from my good friend Paddy. Paddy comes from Yorkshire and moved to Australia after the evil wench Margaret Thatcher closed down his coal mine and sent all his children to work on sugar plantations in Virginia. I met Paddy back in England whilst working in the pub. He’s a sick bastard, who drinks too much, has a disgusting sense of humour and is an all round ‘orrible bastard. Basically, he’s my sort of guy.
After much catching up and exchanging tales. He tells me of this mystical land where the buildings aren’t all tacky post 1950 builds and to go 10 seconds without seeing a hot girl is unheard of. Like a wide-eyed child fixated on his Grandad’s war stories, I asked him more and more about this place. He tells me this place is called; Melbourne.
After much drinking and a poor show of girls, I tell Paddy I’m f*cking my job off and I’m going to Melbourne with him. So me being as spontaneous as ever, books the flight and pisses the company off in the process. But after the time I’ve had in Melbourne, I really couldn’t give a toss. The flight was cheap and only took a couple of hours. No drama. We both got off the plane, onto the shuttle bus and instantly I loved Melbourne already. The bus wasn’t even IN Melbourne yet, but Melbourne was in the bus. And by that I mean the bus was crammed with stunning Melbourne girls. Me and Paddy made sure to speak extra loud to each other so they could all hear our accent. Works a treat every time.
This is what had annoyed me so far in Australia. In Israel I could make a thousand heads turn towards me when I spoke. Purely because they rarely met English people. But the backpacking scene in Oz is crammed avec Anglais. So the accent has lost it’s novelty to most the backpackers. This is when Paddy let me in on a little secret. The best thing to do is, is not to go out in the clubs in the centre where all the backpackers are. He took me to some random suburb in a shitty small club that you would have to pay me to go to in England. But it was paradise for an Englishmen. We strutted around that place like Gods. Literally all we had to do was go up to a girl and ask “’scuse me luv. Do ya know where’s good tonight?”
Instantly they say:
“OMG! Where are you from?!!?!”. The rest is history. This is what travelling for a single, handsome, witty and funny Englishman should be about.
But enough about my sleaze trips for now. Let me tell you about the city itself. I have been far from impressed by Aussie cities. Coming from a country with cities like London, Manchester, Portsmouth etc. I have been spoilt. We as English people are spoilt with these. Sure they have their rough areas where you will be greeted with a knife to the face if you don’t hand over your bus ticket to hooded youth. But the centre of these cities are always decorated with beautiful, old buildings that are full of character. Aussie cities are boring as. If you see one street, you’ve seen it all. Well not Melbourne. Melbourne has maintained a lot of it’s original beauty.
The buildings here scream out the Empires glory. It literally gives me a hard on. The general vibe here is very laid back too. Sydney was hectic, Brisbane was depressing, but Melbourne has that happy feel to it that everything is going to be alright. I don’t know if the hot girl every half a second has anything to do with this. It certainly helps!
The nightlife is great too. There are some dodgy places though. Me and Paddy ended up somewhere full of Somalians who were openly selling cocaine in the club. No-one gave a shit. I was having a cigarette and was talking to one of them, he was telling me if anyone f*cks with them then they will all group together and attack (typical skinnies). When I returned inside, Paddy was naively chatting up this surprisingly fit Somalian bird. She was loving it. But I had to run over and burst his bubble when I pointed out the 10 pirates eyeing him up like an unguarded trade ship. Thanks to me, we both left the club stab-free that night.
So if any of you visit Australia, you MUST go to Melbourne. Sydney is overrated. If I decide to stay here in Australia, then Melbourne is, without a shadow of a doubt, the place that I will live in. Not all is perfect though. There’s a lot of crazy, trampy drug addicts in the city centre. They are constantly in your face asking for money. We have tramps in English cities too, but no way near as compressed into one place as they are here. I suppose it maybe because English major cities are big and spread out, so they can hustle for money in different areas. Here in Aus they all cram into the CBD (Central business district, f*cking Yank talk!). But I can cope with this. What I am about to comment on next is the REAL issue that pisses me off.
Australia is a great country with arguably the friendliest people in the world. So here’s what I don’t understand. In England and Australia, we have something called “The Big Issue”. This is a magazine that tramps sell on the street to make an honest buck or 2. In England, this is only restricted to tramps. In Australia, you have mentally disabled people who are parked up on the street corner and given a load to sell. Some of them don’t even have Big Issues, just a sign saying give me money. WHAT THE FUCK! How third world is that?! I am Socialisms biggest critic, but at this time, I will say this is bollocks. It literally made my blood boil seeing this. By mentally disabled, I mean the types who will not leave one window unlicked. The type we see in England being driven round in a blue mini bus eating their own shoulders. Because in these blue mini bus’ they’re being taken out by carers to the park or something. Not stuck on a street corner in the burning sun to beg for money all day. It is sick. Sort it out Australia, a country with your economy can definitely afford to look after these poor bastards.
Rant over. I have fallen in love with this country. The backpacking scene is sh*t. For me it is anyway, all the English people I meet are posh wankers who are on an adventure paid for by Mummy and Daddy and then their going to go back to England to study Art and waste the taxpayers money. I meet these people everyday and it makes me physically ill. They all hated me and Paddy here. We were in a backpackers club full of up themselves English girls; who the guys were all over. Me and Paddy took another approach and spoke to these two cute Japanese girls instead. All the English girls were giving us the dirtiest looks ever. One of them came over and was desperate for us to dance with her. I bluntly told her to leave me alone and Paddy told her to go and shave her armpits. Priceless.
So what I recommend doing is, is getting to know Aussies. Aussies are pretty much English, without the negative parts. Sure you get your dickhead ones, but what country doesn’t? I judge people A LOT on their sense of humour. Aussies are just as brutal and love to take the piss as us English do. I went to my first Aussie BBQ the other night. It was unreal. If we have a BBQ in England, we just stick the meat on, cook it until it’s done, eat it, then piss off indoors and watch shit Saturday night TV. When I went to a BBQ here, the food lasted for about 5-6 hours. And f*ck me they know how to cook it. I wish I could tell you more about the night, but the combination of a stupid amount of beers and potent bud has disabled me from being about to do so.
If you ask an Aussie for directions, they will draw you out a map. If you ask an Englishman, he will tell you he doesn’t know, go down the road and ask someone else (I am guilty of this haha). England, for me, is better in many ways. Mainly because it’s my home. But the Australian people are what would make me consider staying here (plus the ridiculously high wages!). I have a huge decision to make by February next year. Stay here, continue travelling or go home and start my dream career. I can’t tell you what the latter is right now. But I’m not going to stress about it. I’ve yet to make a bad decision in my life. So I’m confident what ever I do next year will be equally as awesome as the one before it. Which is pretty damn awesome! Can I just say, Mitchell Burton, I know your reading this. It’s because of you I use the word awesome. You wanker! You don’t understand how much I hated this gay American word before Israel haha. Now it’s all I bloody say!
So my next move is, stay in Melbourne, get work, save money. I want to do labouring work, in order to do so I need something called a white card. My course isn’t until next Friday, which is a massive bollock ache as my cash is loooow. I’m literally going to have a week ahead of monging around at the hostel with me and my left hand. Good times.
Going back to my accent quickly. As much as it is an advantage. It is also a disadvantage. People say my accent is quite aggressive, which I suppose it is. People from my hometown, reading this, will have no idea what I’m on about. Because to us it’s normal. I’ve been told plenty of times out here and in other areas in England, where the accent is different. to ‘calm down’ when I’m not even pissed off. Does my head in! Even then, if I said “does my head in!” in my loud accent, people would think I’m angry haha. So some Aussie lads will wanna try and start a fight because they think I’m trying to act like bertie big bollocks…which I am :p But I’m not looking for a ruck. Mugs.
I will also stick my neck on the line and make the bold statement that Englishmen are BY FAR bigger pissheads than Australians. Aussies love a piss-up, but they can’t do a marathon like we can. I put this down to the fact that booze is A LOT cheaper in England. So we go ape-shit. It’s such an issue in our country the Government have no idea what to do. I was in Sydney on a Friday night. At 4-5am the club was empty, apart from 6 people. All of us English, we still wanted more. I think the heavy weight title is ours. The Irish are overrated.
There’s so much more I wanted to write, but when it comes to it, it all clogs my brain up and I leave a lot out. I’m sure I’ve kept you long enough anyway. Thanks for reading. It’s good to know people enjoy this. I literally would not write anything if you didn’t all keep nagging me. So thanks a lot. Over and out.
Tuesday, 15 March 2011
Goymer gets a job and turns a lesbian
Things have gone from amazing to near enough perfect. I got a job today! It’s a sales job which pays pretty damn good. To make this sort of money in England, I would have to work 60+ hour weeks. A Kiwi who works for the company already, managed to get me an interview. Apparently they love employing Englishmen because we’re renown for being amazing salesmen. That’s probably down to the fact we never shut up. So fingers crossed this job goes well, I plan to save a lot of money from it. BUT, I have been informed that these people party pretty hard. Which isn’t surprising considering the money they make.
This means that Brisbane will be my home for the next couple of months. I suppose that’s okay. The city itself is nothing special, but the nightlife is amazing. I went out with two Kiwi lads for an Australian football game which was on in the pubs. Much to my surprise, the game was pretty damn good. It was no Premier League, but I didn’t have to urge to shove a syringe in my eyeballs, which is what usually happens when I watch foreign football.
The game was some final, which involved the Brisbane Roars, luckily Brisbane won and I was in Brisbane. So the city went crazy. We met with some other people who were friends of a friend. Then we decided it would be a good idea to buy a box of goon. For those that don’t know, goon is F*CKED UP. Some of you may remember me talking about Alaska Vodka in Israel, well in Australia, the backpackers drink ‘goon’. Which is cheap boxed wine that contains egg and fish according to the ingredients! It’s no Sauvignon blanc. But it’s a cheap and quick path to the paradise of drunkendom.
I don’t really remember much about the night. We all went to some house, got f*cked up. Then I was in a club talking to some American lesbian who got so charmed by my accent and good looks she completely forgot she was a lesbian and pounced on me. She said something like “I’m only 90% lesbian by the way”. Next thing I know she was having my tonsils for dinner. Being able to pull a lesbian has pushed my ego into dangerous new heights. I eventually got kicked out the club for being drunk. That’s all you need to be in Australia, I stumbled a bit and the bouncer told me I’ve had enough. You really have to experience it to see just how ridiculously strict the bouncers are.
The thing with Aussie bouncers is, their not just some ‘roid-head on a power trip. Their all big, f*ck off Maori’s who can crush your face like a coke can just from looking at you. For those that don’t know, Maori’s are the native people of New Zealand. Maori’s don’t have to work out, they just have to be Maori. So when they tell you to get the f*ck out. You get the f*ck out.
I start training for my job on Thursday at the leisurely hour of 1pm. So not complaining at all. Have no idea what I will do tomorrow. Brisbane has nothing to do in it, apart from drink. Which I don’t want to get into the habit of doing everyday, f*ck me I’ve changed. As much as I love drinking, I don’t want to do it everyday because then I spend too much money and can’t travel as much. I think as well, I spent 3 years of my life drinking at least 5/7 days a week when I worked at the pub. I’ve done all that now.
Don’t get me wrong though, this weekend is going to be complete and utter carnage with my new work gang. Can’t wait!
This means that Brisbane will be my home for the next couple of months. I suppose that’s okay. The city itself is nothing special, but the nightlife is amazing. I went out with two Kiwi lads for an Australian football game which was on in the pubs. Much to my surprise, the game was pretty damn good. It was no Premier League, but I didn’t have to urge to shove a syringe in my eyeballs, which is what usually happens when I watch foreign football.
The game was some final, which involved the Brisbane Roars, luckily Brisbane won and I was in Brisbane. So the city went crazy. We met with some other people who were friends of a friend. Then we decided it would be a good idea to buy a box of goon. For those that don’t know, goon is F*CKED UP. Some of you may remember me talking about Alaska Vodka in Israel, well in Australia, the backpackers drink ‘goon’. Which is cheap boxed wine that contains egg and fish according to the ingredients! It’s no Sauvignon blanc. But it’s a cheap and quick path to the paradise of drunkendom.
I don’t really remember much about the night. We all went to some house, got f*cked up. Then I was in a club talking to some American lesbian who got so charmed by my accent and good looks she completely forgot she was a lesbian and pounced on me. She said something like “I’m only 90% lesbian by the way”. Next thing I know she was having my tonsils for dinner. Being able to pull a lesbian has pushed my ego into dangerous new heights. I eventually got kicked out the club for being drunk. That’s all you need to be in Australia, I stumbled a bit and the bouncer told me I’ve had enough. You really have to experience it to see just how ridiculously strict the bouncers are.
The thing with Aussie bouncers is, their not just some ‘roid-head on a power trip. Their all big, f*ck off Maori’s who can crush your face like a coke can just from looking at you. For those that don’t know, Maori’s are the native people of New Zealand. Maori’s don’t have to work out, they just have to be Maori. So when they tell you to get the f*ck out. You get the f*ck out.
I start training for my job on Thursday at the leisurely hour of 1pm. So not complaining at all. Have no idea what I will do tomorrow. Brisbane has nothing to do in it, apart from drink. Which I don’t want to get into the habit of doing everyday, f*ck me I’ve changed. As much as I love drinking, I don’t want to do it everyday because then I spend too much money and can’t travel as much. I think as well, I spent 3 years of my life drinking at least 5/7 days a week when I worked at the pub. I’ve done all that now.
Don’t get me wrong though, this weekend is going to be complete and utter carnage with my new work gang. Can’t wait!
Friday, 11 March 2011
Aussie sausages and a Peeling Tan...
Right now I’m sitting here bored off my tits. My bus leaves in 2 hours. So I figured I would pass the time by writing another blog. This isn’t a live one as I have no internet connection; so am writing it on Word. Anyway, so yeah, my current plan is to head up to Brisbane and find some work. I’ve heard a lot of backpackers say they can’t get work here. But there’s two type of people in this world. People that make shit happen, and those who don’t know their arse from their elbow and wait around for someone else to do things for them. Luckily I’m not the latter. This country is bursting at the seams with work. A far cry from the situation in my home nation right now.
The English urban landscape is full of abandoned building sites which were halted by the recession. I remember when I worked in the pub, as the recession got worse and worse. The pub got full of more tradesmen in the weekdays who were out of work. It’s a sad sight to see. This is far from the case in Australia, it seems the country is making the most of it’s economic boom right now. Everywhere you look, skyscrapers and new houses are being built. By built I mean there’s actually men on the site making them. I’ve already had about 4 labouring jobs offered to me. It’s insane.
So I’m quite optimistic about finding work. Even in shop windows there are adverts seeking new staff. It’s this healthy economic situation that is not putting me in a rush to leave this country anytime soon. Nothing lasts forever. Australia won’t always have this awesome economy, as an Englishman, I have a pretty good knowledge of a rise and fall of a great Empire and economy. But for the time being, things here are awesome and fingers crossed it will be a little while yet until things take a turn for the worse.
Bollocks, just realised my tan is starting to peel. Oh well, in a country like this, it won’t take me long to get it back. So yeah, that’s all I have to report on at present. Still have to wait a while for the bus. Will probably buy a couple of pies to pass the time. I really need to settle down for a bit. Being on the road is an unhealthy lifestyle. You can’t do a proper food shop from the supermarket because you will be leaving in a couple of days. I’ve been eating $10 All You Can Eat brekky all week. All the egg, bacon, beans, sausages etc. you want. Perfect hangover cure. Not the perfect heart attack cure.
Actually, that reminds me, to the Aussie’s reading this, what the FUCK have you done to sausage rolls?! Fair play on the pies. I can’t knock you for that one. But so far, I have only found sausage rolls with beef inside them. Shit is f*cked up. You see in Oz, most sausages are made of beef (as far as I have gathered so far), I’m guessing because they have so many cows in their country they’ve decided to turn them into sausages. I have to say, I’m not impressed. Sausages should be made of pork, and only pork. End of story.
One more thing which is funny. I see many things advertised as ‘English’. E.g. I saw an ‘English Muffin’ which was in fact a crumpet. I also saw ‘English cheese’ in Subway, what the hell is English cheese?! I thought they meant Cheddar at first, but they sold cheddar as cheddar. So I’m baffled. Speaking of cheddar, everytime I tell a foreigner that cheddar is an English invention, they think I’m lying. They can’t handle the fact England actually makes nice food. Deal with it. Right! Enough about food, I’m starving. Laters on.
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